Insights

2007-05-13T03:21:00.000+08:00

I’ve always wondered what would happen if an A.I. gained sentience. Ghost in the Shell’s Tachikoma A.I. gained an awareness and emotions. They are however more of the childish type of awareness. Playful, curious, attached to the cyborg who cares most for them and treats them like living things, to that point that they sacrifice themselves to protect him. And that is after they have been stripped of military hardware and reassigned to civilian jobs. Of course this assumes two things, that an A.I. is able to gain sentience, and that the A.I. develops like a human being from curiosity to understanding. There are also negative portrayals by other movies, like in I, Robot where the A.I. develops into a hostile entity that justifies the police state in order to fulfill the 3 fundamental laws of robotics. In order to prevent harm to human beings, the only way is to control them. This originates from a logic process, whereas GitS’s theory states a gradual growth and continuing experience as the robot forms links between isolated sets of data.

What do I think? I can only begin to imagine… I would like to believe that an A.I. sentience is possible, and it grows to allow them independence of action tempered by emotion. Big words…

2007-04-28T02:10:00.000+08:00

this is what i am looking at so far...

this has received pretty good comments and reviews

this i just put the pic up just because they look cool...

by the end of the holidays i would probably get the neckstrap DR-BT20NX... then my phone can become my mp3 player and i can also have a wireless headset/earpiece... 2 birds with one stone

edit: warning... bike p0rn...

i want to own a pair of these wheels in the future... extravagant and maybe not worth the money... but i like them all the same. the fulcrum wheels here may be the same with a different spoke pattern and cheaper too, but there is just something about campagnolo...

a full record grouppo wouldn't hurt either... except for the pedals.... i'm not really a fan of campy pedals... unless they are the old school flat record pedals with matching toe clips and straps.

2007-03-06T13:22:00.000+08:00

talk about receiving prank calls. i received a call from the number 6536-8056 at 12:26 PM in the middle of class. apparently this male person wanted to ask me a few questions for a survey. when i said i was in the middle of class he abruptly hung up on me without a word of apology. when i went back to my room, i did a search on this number and the result was:

De Moments Sposa
8 Circular Road Singapore 049364
Tel: 65361398 / 65368056

"De Moments Sposa provides full range of services and also have their own in-house makeup artistes & photographers. Personalised mock-up trials are provided for both the bride & grooms before they decide on the actual dress & suit."

yes it was a bridal studio. i mean WTF... now we have people who use the lines of other companies to give untraceable surveys? what is going on in this country nowadays...

2007-02-25T04:21:00.000+08:00

Vous peut-être demandez moi pourquoi j’écris en français. Je fais ça parce que je peux m’exercer mon français.

Le 12 février, j’ai fait de cours. Mon professeur m’a demandé lire à haute voix des phrases d’une scène de la pièce =M. Papillon=. Mes amis ont dit je parler comme le personnage dans le film du même nom. J’ai pensé il n’est pas une remarque flatteuse. Ça personnage est un homme en travesti. Après ça, une camarade de classe a parlé je ferais un bon travesti. J’ai suis très surpris! Je ne lui ai jamais parlé et la première fois elle a parlé ça. C’est bizarre.

Le 14 février, Saint Valentin. Je suis allé au salon de coiffure avec ma petite amie. La coiffeuse est la copine de sa mère. Je me suis teint les cheveux pour amusement. Je n’ai jamais teint les cheveux. C’est ma première fois. Maintenant, mes cheveux sont châtain. Ma petite amie a parlé elle préférer la nouvelle couleur. Elle m’a parlé je sembler meilleur. Moi? Je n’ai rien à déclarer.

Si vous devez savoir, ma vie n’est pas en rose.

*If you run this through an online translator, you can get the main points in the post. I've tried with the one by Google.

2007-02-19T01:50:00.000+08:00

there was once a little bird that aspired to run and be the fastest runner ever. he ran and ran everyday, but little birds weren't built to run. over time, he developed injuries that hampered his running. in the course of his recovery, he thought long and hard about what he really wanted to be when he realised that he hadn't had a clue. now he still stumbles from place to place looking for somewhere to head to. the little bird never once thought to use the wings he was gifted with, for he was never taught how to use them. in the course of his aimless wandering, he met, knew, quarrelled with and parted from many different animals.

he once met a lion, but the lion was cold and distant. he only cared about roaring loudly on the plains to whoever bothered to listen. he ignored the little bird and so the little bird move on. the next animal he met was a cougar. this cougar was only slightly more sociable. he made small talk from time to time but kept largely to himself. the little bird thought this strange and decided to observe further. the cougar kept to its own kind, but even then each cougar remained an individual, and there was no sense of belonging. if this was how things were with their own kind, how much worse would it be for another species? so the little bird went on his way.

next, the little bird chanced upon a herd of horses. one horse offered to give the little bird a ride, so it sat on the horse's back while the horse went on its way. they passed meadows and fields, large and wide and beautiful. they moved from place to place, never settling down for long. the herd was like family, but the little bird always felt out of place. sure the horses tried to be friends, but the little bird never seemed to fit in. he was a little saddened by this, but knew that he never belonged from the start. so he parted ways and went on his own way.

what about his wings you might ask? well this little bird is now a visitor to a zoo. who knows, maybe one day he'll grow up and learn to use his wings on his own, or maybe someone there will teach him...

2007-02-17T01:09:00.000+08:00

it has been a long time since i have blogged, but it can't be helped, not when there is a game like Medieval 2: Total War. it is not just the battle and strategy gameplay, but the hilarious pre-battle speeches that appear when you dump a whole lot of negative traits on your generals.

The last two really take the cake... Gotta love this game. "BOO-GER!" as the english say, in an overdone french accent.

2006-10-13T23:06:00.000+08:00

i woke up in the morning with a panic attack. an "oh my god what am i doing with my life and what is the future going to be like i just want to kill myself to stay in this reality" panic attack. it was just terrible. thankfully i snapped out of it, else i would really have killed myself.

well october has come and is nearly gone. exams are going to happen, and i feel like this semester is going to be a total washout. ah well... what can i say. fark the grades man. give me a meaningful life any day. sure keeps the panic attacks away.

2006-06-14T21:26:00.000+08:00

to think too much about something is an indication of a state of mind. to be fixated on it means something is wrong, not with what we are thinking of but ourselves. i think i have been working too much or too long. i keep having dreams every night, and every waking moment that i am not doing anything i feel like taking a nap. what this has to do with the first statement is on two levels.

firstly i keep feeling i need sleep... probably, i need a break. secondly, it is what i dream of. of that i am not going to say anything. that is the core of the matter though. it is because of the content that makes me unable to say anything. but anyway... dreams are dreams and they never come true. feels good enough though. wonder what happens if i were to be mentally conscious of what i am doing in a dream and be able to do what i want. right now it is on a constant autopilot where i just follow along.

i realise that i am actually quite a needy person despite the way i behave. i live alone, i do almost everything alone, i work myself non-stop. but every night i stay glued to a computer or i use the phone to sms. otherwise, i just lie in bed and think. i want company. that is what i want. unfortunately the most precious thing that people have and cannot easily give is time, not money. we exchange a lot of our free time for money or any other form of incentive.

to live to distraction from the fact that i am mostly alone contrary to what i want. i want to go and work and come back to someone who is waiting for me. that or come back and meet someone who is waiting or thinking of me. how many people ever think of you when you are away? how can i then get what i want? it is in fact almost impossible. people in the world never get what they really want. all they get is a poor fascimile thereof.

2006-05-26T22:40:00.000+08:00

been working my arse off day and night. have french on mondays, wednesdays and fridays. wake up at 7.30 am for lessons. lessons start at 9 am and end at 2 pm. after lessons i go down to work at the bike shop till 8 pm at night. then i go back to school. on tuesdays, thursdays and saturdays, i wake up at 7:30 am and go to work. is sunday a free day? nope. i give tuition on sundays.

i feel like i am burning out. i feel a fatigue that rest cannot remove. and now CPF sends me a letter telling me to pay back my fees for the one year in engineering. bloody money sucking government. but whatever... have to find a way.

2006-03-20T17:39:00.000+08:00

this post is all on nothing but pictures. a picture speaks a thousand words. in this case, they sort of half describe my mood, mental state and thoughts.

Fate/Stay Night
this is one picture that really grabbed me. I saw it in a online picture gallery and grabbed it immediately. doesn't happen in the game or anime, but it is a nice picture.

Tsukihime

Kimi ga Nozomu Eien
Yozora ni hoshi ga matataku you ni
Toketa kokoro ha hanarenai
Tatoe kono te ga hanaretemo
Futari ha sore wo wasurenu kagiri

Like the stars shining in the sky
Our feelings won't disappear
Even if our hands become seperated
The two of us won't forget this...

I like this anime a lot.

Magna Carta
for a korean game, the drawings impressed me a lot.

Kareshi Kanojyo no Jijyo (His and Her Circumstances)

2006-03-18T18:40:00.000+08:00

the good thing about working in a bike shop is that when new stuff comes in, you get first dibs. staff discount is another great perk. but anyway looking at the new shoes that came in, they look pretty good but they are very expensive as the maker wants us to sell close to the australian price. australia however has a tax on cycling products.

these are made in france by carnac.

however, i have flat as well as wide feet. this makes shoe fitting and choosing a pain. at the price the above shoes are being sold, i can actually get more than one pair of a brand that is distributed locally, albeit a cheaper model but one for wide feet.

this is made in italy by sidi. for this range for wide feet, they seem to adopt henry ford's philosophy on his model T car. "they can have any colour so long as it is black."

2006-03-18T18:30:00.000+08:00

time to share a story

this is the original story from which snow drop was developed.

Yuki-onna by Lafcadio Hearn (Koizumi Yakumo) from Kwaidan (1904)

excellent game and i loved the story.

*edit* and there are a lot of other great animes and games that have a slightly mature side to it. Fate/Stay Night and Tsukihime are hentai games that have been so popular that people are now doing the animes minus the H.

2006-02-18T02:57:00.000+08:00

a johari window, everyone has gotta have one

http://kevan.org/johari?name=bertram

http://kevan.org/johari?view=bertram

2006-02-11T22:35:00.000+08:00

thanks to my girlfriend, i now have a sort of stimulated interest in photography. am looking around at digital SLRs now, and have sort of set my eye on the Nikon D70s.

this and bicycles. i am going to be so broke.

speaking of bicycles, i just watched a dvd documentary on my favourite professional cycling team, Team CSC, with very inspiring riders riding one of the better bicycle brands, Cervélo. It is titled Overcoming, and it is very interesting. get to know more about professional cycling. this is my favorite team because everyone helps each other to keep everyone in the race and achieve a high team ranking instead of individual glory. a UCI ProTour ranking of 1st with 390 points, 37 points more than the 2nd placed team is more than enough to justify the team manager's choice of tactics and training. they also have one of the best therapists, Ole Føli, that even riders from other competing teams ask for help. wanna watch it in your free time? borrow the dvd from me.

Overcoming entry on IMDB

Team CSC website

2006-01-23T00:20:00.000+08:00

ok since helaine requested a totally "shallow" post.

i have a pair of shoes.

but let us presume i have nothing to match this, which is more or less true. any suggestions?

and this is the other pair i had. similar in design, but different colour.

2006-01-07T17:28:00.000+08:00

what defines selfishness amongst fellow humans? it usually connotes self-concern that is excessive or improper (in the sense of harming others) rather than self-interest itself. (Wikipedia) let us first use this piece of information to define he situation that follows. Person X has a piece of information that will benefit himself, as well as the others around him. however, only he has been told of this very important piece of information by Person Y. he has three options now. It is either to
a) actively share this information,
b) passively share it by revealing it when asked, or
c) to keep mum so that only he benefits despite the fact that others may or may not learn this information sooner or later.

the crux of the situation then is to evaluate an appropriate mode of behaviour. normally we tend to (c), because we act to derive the maximum amount of benefit to ourselves. this is what most people would do. however, by doing (a), one ends up being called stupid, or having a lack of wisdom. X introduces his benefit to one person, who tells two other people, who tells two more people, till everyone knows about it. at that point, everyone benefits from the information such that X no longer has an advantage. X’s chance of survival (this term is loosely used) has then been ruined by his own act of supposed folly by introducing more competitors for the same prize. in (b), one achieves a similar effect, albeit much more slowly, and dependent on chance. therefore, (c) ends up being the most ideal choice of an individual acting in his own self-interest.

now humans live in a community, and no man is an island. let us introduce Person Z who is a friend, not a random individual. if X tells Z, both X and Z benefit from this piece of information, and X is thus defined as generous, or a stupid, person. this despite the fact that the scenario cause by (a) may occur as stated above. if X does not tell Z, is he selfish or simply acting in self-interest? to bring this to a previous level, did Y intend X to tell anyone at all? if X tells Z, they end up being competitors for the same resource. important clause: Y can tell X as Y is past that stage.

now for the questions:
should X tell Z anything at all?
if yes, why? is X then lacking in wisdom and being too open mouthed?
if no, why? is X then wise, or selfish?

my personal view:

assuming they will know sooner or later, shouldn’t X share the information with his friends at least? this smaller community will then benefit as opposed to the larger community that they are part of. call it cronyism, nepotism, favouritism, or whatever else you want. i do not care. if X has no ability at all, or is lazy, why should he be concerned with trying to remove the competition when he is not even in the running? if X has the ability, and/or is hardworking, wouldn’t he then stand out above the rest of the competition? in a world with 6 billion people (and counting), what are the odds of only X and Y being the only possessors of that particular bit of information? by X not telling say, 100 people, would it make a difference? say X tells or does not tell his friends? would 10 people make a difference? statistically, by keeping his trap shut, X benefits by a miniscule amount. there is however an opportunity cost of the gratitude of his friends. if they even bother, and if they are even friends or just using him. that brings us to another topic: how to define a friend.

A friend is *gack*….

in this film we hope to show you how not to be seen. Mr Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen. not to stand up. however he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. *kaboom*

And now for something completely different.

*kaboom*

2005-12-29T10:43:00.000+08:00

i cannot believe that NTU can actually make this error. when i tried to register my subjects, all my core modules appeared to me as general electives. i could not even register for a core module that is not offered as a general elective. apparently the system still believes that i am an engineering student. rubbish. i had to make a few calls, got pushed from CITS to NBS IT support to troy from HSS office. so he helped me register for my modules.

second gripe about NTU. i had my moving to my new hostel room delayed from the first week of december to the 21st to the 23rd. finally moved in completely on that day and my girlfriend assisted me in cleaning my room and moving in. ^_^

a plus is that now we are waiting for higher authority to agree to the lower rates proposed by the JCRC as opposed to the new rates in the new academic year of $240 for a double room and $350 for a single.

*edit* now that i am moved in, wanna come over and take a look after lessons on thurs next week? i do not have much in way of entertainment though. please reply asap. the plan so far is to dial sarpino's pizza for dinner. we split the bill for pizza and i buy dessert (renaldo's apple strudel) or make dessert (tiramusu). currently, i prefer buying. any objections or suggestions?

2005-12-05T21:24:00.000+08:00

i do not see the point in life... someone please enlighten me...

what is the point of living?

(use the comments section instead.... more permanence instead of the chatterbox storage of last 50 posts)

maybe i should explain a little...

i used to find joy in dancing... then it got to be quite stressful. then in the army i enjoyed running. running is what brought equality among the ranks. you can run fast means you are respected becasue a lot of men are not motivated to run. they would rather sleep in the bunk. so i ran, for my life, and with a smile on my face every time. when i got to university, the smile turned into a grimace as i struggled to keep up, to compete. then i realised... why compete? now i live to find that joy again. but is that enough? even if i manage to find it, so what? what is there to stop me from losing it again?

is happiness all that important? to bring it to another level, must life even have a purpose?

on a seperate note, book one of plato's republic has a sort of "monty python" style logic sequence as follows:

BEDEMIR: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
BEDEMIR: Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2: Burn!
CROWD: Burn, burn them up!
BEDEMIR: And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1: More witches!
VILLAGER #2: Wood!
BEDEMIR: So, why do witches burn?
[pause]
VILLAGER #3: B--... 'cause they're made of wood...?
BEDEMIR: Good!
CROWD: Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEMIR: So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEMIR: Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2: Oh, yeah.
BEDEMIR: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1: No, no.
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
CROWD: The pond!
BEDEMIR: What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1: Bread!
VILLAGER #2: Apples!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1: Cider!
VILLAGER #2: Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1: Cherries!
VILLAGER #2: Mud!
VILLAGER #3: Churches -- churches!
VILLAGER #2: Lead -- lead!
ARTHUR: A duck.
CROWD: Oooh.
BEDEMIR: Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1: If... she.. weighs the same as a duck, she's made of wood.
BEDEMIR: And therefore--?
VILLAGER #1: A witch!
CROWD: A witch!

2005-12-02T21:03:00.000+08:00

i had my appointment with professor quigley. he was advising me on the commitment required in the pursuit of a phd, as well as the requirements. so we spent one and a half hours discussing how much is needed to be read, and what is the attitude that has to be taken towards study. in the course of the discussion he brought up a few writers of greek and roman literature and the list is below. it is something like a really basic list for the ancient literature era, and the point of reading from era to era is to see for myself the development of ideas, philosophy and literature. first gain the knowledge, then develop the skill. extensive, then intensive reading.

Scio me nihil scire (I know that I know nothing. Certain knowledge cannot be obtained.)
--- Socrates

Non scholae sed vitae discimus (We do not learn for school, but for life.)
--- Seneca

Greek Literature
Homer: Odyssey and Iliad
Plato:, Republic
Sophocles: Oedipus Rex, Antigone
Euripides: Hippolytus
Aeschylus: Prometheus Bound
Aristotle: Poetics

Roman Literature
Virgil: Aeneid
Ovid: Metamorphoses
Seneca: Medea

anyone interested in reading with me?

on another note, i made a trip down to the zoo with some of my friends. looks very different from what i remembered. the cats are all lazy just like those you see everyday. they just lie down and stare, sleep or stone. there was a cute penguin. quite inquisitive and bounced around around following helaine's phone accessory. butterflies are very nice, though fragile. one had a torn wing. injured but still trying to live from day to day, much like some of us.

an unfortunate secondary effect is that, who knows who started it, the chicken little dance song is stuck in my head.

Dragostea Din Tei by O-Zone

Ma-ia-hii Ma-ia-huu Ma-ia-hoo Ma-ia-haha
Miya-hee Miya-hoo Miya-ho Miya-haha

Alo, Salut, sunt eu, un haiduc, Si te rog, iubirea mea, primeste fericirea.
Alo, alo, sunt eu Picasso, Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic, Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic.
(Hello, greetings, it's me, an outlaw,I ask you, my love, to accept happiness.
Hello, hello, it's me, Picasso,I sent you a beep, and I'm brave, But you should know that I'm not asking for anything from you.)

Vrei sa pleci dar nu ma, nu ma iei, Nu ma, nu ma iei, nu ma, nu ma, nu ma iei.
Chipul tau si dragostea din tei, Mi-amintesc de ochii tai.
(You want to leave but you don't want don't want to take me, don't want don't want to take me, don't want don't want don't want to take me.
Your face and the love from the linden trees, And I remember your eyes.)

Te sun, sa-ti spun, ce simt acum, Alo, iubirea mea, sunt eu, fericirea.
Alo, alo, sunt iarasi eu, Picasso,Ti-am dat beep, si sunt voinic, Dar sa stii nu-ti cer nimic.
(I call you, to tell you what I feel right now, Hello, my love, it's me, your happiness.
Hello, hello, it's me again, Picasso, I sent you a beep and I'm brave, But you should know that I'm not asking for anything from you.)

2005-11-16T08:37:00.000+08:00

i'm so proud of myself.

woke up at the ungodly hour of 6:15 am, drove my mum to the airport and went back home. and i actually moved myself to wash the car. i hate to wash the car. brings back bad memories of having to wash bicycles. the horror of the unremovable muck of teflon and synthetic lubricants mixed with dirt. now it is nice and clean, till the next avian bombardment. i'm going to reward myself by watching trinity blood. actually... i just do not want to study. ugh.

*edit*
and it rained later today. *grumble*. a *censored* long lasting thunderstorm.

with the departure of my mother for hong kong, and my sister for batam tomorrow, i will be home alone till saturday, when my sister gets back. joy. and my parents return on the 23rd. however, household chores await. *groan* cannot expect my sister to do anything.

2005-11-14T21:00:00.000+08:00

music is a very interesting medium.

people have always likened many things to following a rhythm. the spartans were taught dance and music so as to keep in formation while marching. blademasters seemed to dance as their swords whistled through the air, both in the eastern and western tradition. melee combat has been romanticized as a deadly dance of blows and counterblows, exchanged in an effort to secure a superior position. roman leigions to napoleons's armies are always accompanied by musicians that acted to help them march in step as well as sound out orders. modern infantry sing as they march. as violence is contained by music, the crescendo is held in the score. likewise, the flurry of our internal beat and song are contained by our musculature, our minds, and black and white.

it has begun. the battle-hardened quill dances on the parchment, mapping out its troubled path. it runs forward, retrogrades. it rebelliously skips from side to side. its dark, bloody trail mars the pristine white surface. apprehensively it crawls forward and pauses in respite. suddenly, it leaps across the white marble chasm, as if suspended by an ethereal hand. it lands in a dark inky puddle, shakes off the excess burden of muck and forges on. onward it creeps in an unpredictable manner, moving from one continent to another. finally, at its journey's end, it rests at a single point before the unavoidable snowfall begins. the final destination.

the chattering begins as a blur of motion dances across the coloured keys. black and white they were, and black and white they will be. the staccato is drowned by the melody. then, as suddenly as it started, it ends. so does the wanderings (wonderings?) for today.

2005-11-13T17:51:00.000+08:00

it is a sunday, i am sitting at home (rightfully) slacking my life away, and i write. look in the comments of vera's post here. of all things a limerick comes to my mind in the shower.

oh well. nothing to be done. dammit. *slaps self*. we could start over perhaps. *slaps forehead* that's the spirit. let's abuse each other.

it is a sunday and here i am sitting at the computer trying to compose a blog entry that my still unconscious mind fails to construct. BUT it is not the blog that matters. it is the conversation with people that matters. it makes you grow and learn. i have learnt. and we have all come a long way.

"Est autem fides credere quod nondum vides; cuius fidei merces est videre quod credis" - Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.
--- St. Augustine

“O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” (Matthew 14:31) do not doubt your abilities in your self, do not doubt what you write, and do not doubt your ideas when you speak, for if you doubt your own writing, why should others believe in it? that said good luck to us all in the exams.

it is a sunday evening and all through the house, not a thing is worth doing, even killing a louse. haha. i want to go shopping and undergo retail therapy. the books await.

i have temporary catharsis in grocery shopping. i think i eat/snack too much.

ben and jerry's:

cherry garcia
Cherry Ice Cream with Cherries & Fudge Flakes

phish food
Chocolate Ice Cream with Gooey Marshmallow, a Caramel Swirl & Fudge Fish

i love ice cream... cherry garcia is great. the large cherry halves are so juicy and the fudge flakes (chunks actually) gives a different texture. phish food is a first try. and the calbee pizza flavoured chips are very nice. recommended by a friend.

i'm a pig. or galdalf.

You scored as Gandalf. You are Gandalf! This wise, old mage is loyal and brave. He is known for his counsel and advice to his friends and allies during tough times.
"All you have to do is decide what to do with the time that is given to you."

Gandalf

81%

Samwise

75%

Frodo

63%

Aragorn

56%

Pippin

50%

Eowyn

50%

Arwen

50%

Faramir

44%

Gollum

25%

Which LOTR character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

2005-11-09T12:56:00.000+08:00

it has been so long since i have updated. went through 2 semester of exams and into the third, suffered in a full triathlon and starting to learn about personal hobbies, changed courses and made new friends.

i'm now doing english literature, a surprise to few, especially my teachers. 'nuff said. i am here now.

cycled a lot, built up my own bicycle (short of welding all the tubes and lugs together), exploring the sport as a whole and looking into different facets, stopped painting (because of time constraints), am making new friends in my new school (or faculty for you NUS students) and exercised a whole lot less. i have also worked in a bicycle shop as a mechanic, worked for ben and jerry's as a temp scoopy and worked as a tuition teacher (so far the most horrible job).

read shakespeare, milton (finally finished the damn book which i had been planning to read in the army), did essays, which seem nice and fresh now but will probably be a horror in the years to come. sonnets are nice. i like poetry. and now i can concentrate on finishing dante. and read up more on rhetoric when the exams are over (as well as playing maple story). and write a poem or two as well. did i say i like poetry?

while it takes some time getting used to, there are a few interesting people i have met in my division. interesting in a good way, because they impress me and they inspire me. that said i have had feedback that i have tread on a few toes as well. not that i care though. give me your best shot (or backstab, if you are into that sort of thing). another thing about literature is, if i have to write essays similar to secondary school scope (like in HL101), i am so going to die. seriously. it gives such a strong sense of deja vu. however there are the better core modules. HL102 has some interesting books and intriguing arguments presented that we students can dissent about together ad infinitum, or ad nauseum. the tutor is a tad eccentric but is also a brilliant academic. HL104, however, has a very colourful teacher. i must say he makes literary theory seem bearable. he does have a disturbing fetish for film though, and seems to be a rabid wong kar wai fan. but that is what makes him endearing.

and after going to orchard after like months of loitering around the west side of singapore, i have to say my favourite shop of the moment is l'occitane. love the products there, not for myself though.

shea butter tinted lip balm, and rose lip gloss. to quote what one of my friends said, "looks good enough to eat"

2005-04-01T12:55:00.000+08:00

when people find me listening j-pop, or japanese pop music, they invariably ask, "do you understand what you are listening to?" most times i wish they would bugger off and not bother me, but i sometimes humour them with an explanation that i do not understand the words, but i read the translations. now thinking about it, it is not the music or the lyrics which attract (though they eventually prove to be meaningful), but the range of emotions conveyed by the singer through her voice. why do i think of it and write it now? because i want to write of it. listened to a song by chihiro onitsuka titled "gekkou", was so taken by the sadness, pain and lonliness in her voice, and when i read the translated lyrics do i understand why she sang with such feelings. yet there was an emotion, a feeling conveyed that was not obviously show at all in the lyrics. that little voice was that of hope. hope for a better world, for change. yet another song that bring's tears to my eyes. why do japanese songs have so much more feeling than other songs i have heard? songs which i do not understand so i go straight to the voice and what is hidden beneath? is that the reason? you tell me. yet to be fair there are other songs i also like, english ones, mostly of angst. "why can't i" by liz phair for example. or songs by the goo goo dolls, like "black balloon" and "iris" or songs by savage garden that have strong undercurrents of emotion. the chorus of "long night" by the corrs especially appeals to something within me as well.

when we talk of emotions we most often mention pain, the desire to numb it, to not feel that pain because it hurts so much, we are scared of it and want to feel something else. yet some people immerse themselves in it, and in some twisted way enjoy it. both extremes are to be avoided, and though we dislike pain, we must feel it, because if we can feel pain we can also feel other emotions. numbing oneself to pain makes us numb to other feelings, depriving ourselves unfairly of being able to find a greater joy to overcome that pain. whatever does not kill you makes you stronger, and whatever pain that you suffered must make you stronger, to be able to endure more, to feel more of other emotions, and overcome other setbacks and disappointments that one may face in the future. life is filled with pain, but it is also filled with joy and love, and as we seek that love we shall inevitably come across the pain and sorrow along the way.

"Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own (will), is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
--- Apostle Paul

"Love, in all its fragile forms, is the one powerful, enduring force that brings real meaning to our everyday lives...but the love i mean is the fire that burns inside us all, the inner warmth that prevents our soul from freezing in the winters of despair."
--- Bradley Trevor Grieve, "The Meaning of Life"

why do i discourse so much on love? because it is not just confined to eros, but also ludus, storge, pragma, mania and agape. eros means a passionate physical love based on physical appearance, with sensual desire and longing; ludus means love is played as a game, or love is playful; storge means an affectionate love that slowly develops, based on similarity; pragma means pragmatic love; mania means highly emotional love which is unstable, the stereotype of romantic love; and agape means selfless altruistic love, or spiritual love. but no matter the form it is what causes hope to spring eternal, for man himself was born from love.

2005-03-31T12:54:00.001+08:00

it is a strange feeling sinking to the bottom of a pool and looking up towards the surface. there is a circle through which you can see the sky and the area around the edge of the pool, while the rest of the surface reflects the bottom of the pool. my friend and i being the only two people in the pool at 9 am in the morning, the peace was fantastic. underwater, it was peaceful and silent, holding my breath as long as i can to appreciate the surreal quality of it all. strangely enough it did not hurt to hold my breath, nor did i panic. the sun benignly shone down and gave the surfaces a bright cast.

but i hate swimming. or rather i hate swimming front crawl, especially for the bi/triathlons. most efficient and fastest stroke, but i just don't like the swimming part. sentosa was not as bad as east coast, where the water was murky brown and i can smell fuel. sentosa was still cloudy and greenish but not as polluted. i was more fit during the NUS biathlon, and it was a shorter distance race as well. the singapore biathlon was olympic distance, and i was fighting off gastric and an irritating and painfully persistent stitch. sheer torture, but i never gave up, though that thought crossed my mind quite a few time. it felt good to finish the race, pain and all. to know that you can do it, and have done it.

and while trying to take an afternoon nap, i was bloody pissed off by the guys who lived in the room opposite mine. two grown men screaming while playing a damned game. felt like picking up the kitchen knife and going over to stab them, making them scream the last scream of their miserable life. not to mention the arseholes also sing really really off key in the middle of the night while playing their stereos loudly and as one of them live next door, i have to be an unwilling member of the audience as well.

2005-03-27T20:25:00.000+08:00

well i have not blogged a long time so i've decided to upload a pic or two of me and my biathlon pursuits... it has been tiring and already been through 3 of them. 2 olympic distance ones and a sprint distance one. now i am just slacking off, waiting for exams, and the dreaded ippt, and the next event which is the army half-marathon, followed by the NUS triathlon and the standard chartered marathon. am i absolutely nuts? maybe. haha.

2004-12-01T21:46:00.000+08:00

it's been too long since i blogged. watched 3 movies in this period of time. "2046", "The Incredibles" and "Everybody Has Secrets".

well about "2046", from what i have heard a lot of people thought it was boring, but i like it. interesting movie with 2 alternating scenes. one is of the actual main character, which the other is of the book he was writing, which is titled "2046". the character is a writer, who meets, loves and screws many women along the way in his life, but he can never forget the first woman he has ever loved. of the other women he met, he put them as characters in the book he wrote, and in these characters emphasised the way each woman wanted to live their life. it was meant to be a sort of artistic way of film expression, but well either you love the show or lambast it to the pits of the hell.

"The Incredibles" was more of an outing to see superheroes work together to save the day, albeit a slightly dysfunctional superhero family. was a fun show to watch, worth the money i paid. "Everybody Has Secrets" was more of a korean flick with a twist. it was more comedy and lots of sexual innuendo, but apart from it's adult jokes nothing much. a little superficial but still entertaining.

had exams (it sucked), started on miniature wargaming (fun but painting the stuff can be a pain), and well basically bummed a lot since the hols started. i like miniature wargaming though, a refreshing change from the pc strategy games where you move in real time and kill, slaughter, destroy etc. wargaming is turn-based and a lot of things boils down to the player and how he builds and utilises his army to maximise their capabilities within a points-limited army system. i like the fluff behind the things, and the two games i am currently playing are "Warmachine" and "Warhammer 40,000". great games where 40k proves to be more strategy-heavy while Warmachine is more aggressive and action-based. i also learnt a lot on painting miniatures from looking up on these two games. will try to post pics of my painted stuff (when i fix the digital camera). but one word of caution: it is a very expensive hobby and a $$$ heavy investment. it is down to whether you like to paint it too or just wanna play it. have the patience to paint, for i am cultivating that patience too.

2004-10-26T01:38:00.000+08:00

Take a Picture by Filter

Chorus:
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Could you take my picture
'Cuz I won't remember
Yeah

i just like the chorus of this song. maybe it is because of the music, or the fact i dun really take photographs of anything. not of myself or others, or on my trips to other countries. it is like something i never do compare to others who seem to like to take pictures. laziness, or just some inner voice telling me everything now is transient and i would probably put the pictures somewhere else? who knows right? or the fact that i dun really look back much on the past and keep plodding on into the future and whatever it may hold? such is life, and such is the irony of life, that in the future something that hurts you so much you want to look back at happier events in the past to comfort yourself. but visually? is the visual factor that important? or could the aural, i.e. music/sound, factor be a stronger force? music is powerful media my friend tells me. i believe it is.

2004-10-10T01:32:00.000+08:00

ok it's late at night and this came to mind and i want to get it off my chest...

sometimes when you dream, do you have vague dreams of someone? and this person is who you hope to see when you wake up each morning, the one you hope to hug to sleep each night. the presence that replaces your bolsters and soft toys... who is this person... who moves your heart so?

this feeling irks me... it just makes me hurt. because it is a vague fleeting image, it just tickles your senses, teasing and tempting you with a sliver of the truth. just who is it? it pains me to not know.... curiosity hurts.

i know who to put in that place right now. just so that you know.

i just feel so emotionally affected right now... i am such a sucker for sappy cliched plot devices. but there is always this part of me that wants to be in that story right now. to live that role. i don't want to sleep. i want to dream again. a vivid clear dream where i know what i am doing. can't remember the last time i had such a dream.

2004-08-31T16:41:00.000+08:00

OK back to basics time. my math abilities really SUCK. i see the question, sort of know how to do but i just can't follow through. it really is a PITA. sigh... i really need to practice more, study more, and build up fundamentals. only way to excel, or in my case, *survive*. i do not really like math, even though the teachers are pretty okay. my math lecturer sorta talks to himself but well i think at least he knows what he is saying. it's just that we don't get it, or rather us as students are very passive. my math tutor however is very liberal as well as practical. i like him and he might be a little direct but he is a good teacher. kinda like my physics tutor, who by the way also likes to expound on the philosophy of learning. he inspires me to learn math. i just hope i can keep that interest going.

on that note i would like to say that some of the professors here are actually quite good, as in they discourage rote learning and memorisation, something the singapore education system as well as the mentalities of parents and students believe is the only way to learn. sorta like once you rememebr you remember for life sort of thing. i never liked rote learning. i have too short of an attention span to devote to that anyway. it is a monotonous, time consuming process that brings little to no benefit to the student. nothing is learnt. sometimes maybe they learn something but not the essence of it, or do not go throught the correct thought and logic pathways. sigh. how to go through things without rote learning. really hard to break out of a mould.

breaking out. how difficult is it for one to break free from a mould that we have been cast in by our parents and relatives. a mould formed by the inculcation of their values, both good and bad. and when we break free, or think we have broken free, the million-dollar-question would be this. "what next?"

currently listening to: love themes from Love Actually

2004-08-31T10:07:00.000+08:00

it's the end of the month. a month has passed and so has 6 weeks of school.looking back, i have not done very much, nor have learnt very much. in that 6 weeks if i trained consistently everyday i would have been taking part in the NIE biathlon at least. but i did not. lazy? or just lethargic? or afraid of failing...

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer."
--- Bene Gesserit saying, from "Dune" by Frank Herbert

it paralyses you, makes you doubt, slows you down, leaving nothing but wash in it's wake. how do you overcome something intangible and natural to you? you cannot destroy it, for it has no substance. you cannot banish it, for it has no corporeal form. it is but something we have to conquer, to control, and ultimately use to spur ourselves on. pressure makes performance drop, but it is also what gets things started. if you never start, what makes you think you can't do it? do not think that you would fail before you start doing, or else you would subconsciously doom yourself to failure in whatever you do.

anyways... pain in the arse. my digital camera's ccd (charged couple device) is spoilt i think. got to send it for repair. sigh...

2004-08-29T14:47:00.000+08:00

just watched another "look beyond appearances" movie. it's "The Girl Next Door". quite a nice movie actually, about a guy liking this girl despite her history as a porn star and no matter what a woman works as, at heart they have always wanted to be loved for what they are. and this guy goes through a whole lot of shit just to be with this girl, and despite being a student council president and a straightlaced guy at the start, he ends up doing a whole lot of crazy stuff, and dragging his 2 best friends with him. but this is one movie i would watch again. another sweet storyline. haha.

i also want to watch "Quill". it's a jap film about a young puppy who was trained as a guide dog to lead the blind and his relationship with his eventual owner, an alcoholic who was initially reluctant to have a guide dog. by the way this is a drama, not a documentary. the dog is sooooooo cute man. can't stand it.

2004-08-27T20:47:00.000+08:00

currently i am reading The Iliad by Homer... the next book i will move on to would be The Aeneid by Virgil, a text that had inspired Dante Aligheri, John Milton and numerous other authors. hopefully i would also be able to find a text translation of the Kalevala, a Finnish oral history of it's peoples. it's a long ballad passed from one generation to another by mouth and fully committed to memory. hopefully i can get a recording of it as well. heard it once during a documentary about Tolkien and his inspirations to write the Lord of the Rings. apparently the Kalevala was one of his sources of inspiration as well. it is a very nice ballad actually, an epic in it's own right.

strange huh to find a 21 year old singaporean with such interests as literature, classical music and opera, when his peers are listening to techno, going out clubbing, partying, studying or even training (for competitive sports). my girlfriend remarked that i am living in the wrong era, that i read more, know more (general knowledge) and have widely divergent interests from her peers. our peers. to the point that i find it difficult to find someone who shares similar interests in school/class currently. is it just me, or that i am just different? or trying to hard to be an individual? too many angles to look at things make it complicated, much like crystallographic planes in material science (ok now i'm starting to crap, which allows me to more or less helps me to communicate with most of my peers so far).

are we reaching the limits on our creativity? to the point that now much of what we do is centered on improving currently existing products, or writing using existing established literary structures, instead of making wholly new creations that spark a revolution, or start a new trend? what we do, make, write, it is either a modified original or repackaged. even when i write it is based on my own modifications or experience added inside to make it seem original, or my own experiences streamlined into a literary structure to create my expression. is there actually a critical mass, or a limit for creativity, beyond which there is nothing new we can create anymore? or rather we just keep discarding or disregarding the illogical, insensible or impractical?

now i am moving into a period where i have to juggle academics along with my interest in physical sports. how i am going to do that is a big question mark, but i hope to go through this and mayhaps be a successful athlete. who knows?

sidenote: currently listening to Why Can't I by Liz Phair, a lady with a very interesting discography. this song was in the movie 13 going on 30. i love that movie, and i want to watch it again. sweet, touching and is about growing up, to learn about life in an accelerated way, to learn how to go beyond conformity to see what has been there all the while.

2004-06-21T14:19:00.000+08:00

father's day has come and gone, yet it is a day with little meaning or significance. such has been they way of life. but even though changes are desired, there is no motivation for it for reasons known only to me.

on the other hand... i passed my friggin' driving test on the first try yay! now i am legally allowed to drive on public roads. thank God!

and i am going to get myself a new road bike soon. will post a picture of it later. am planning to go into road racing and triathlon, and this is but one step in that direction, albeit an expensive step. but by the grace of God, i am that much closer to realising a dream.

2004-06-13T19:41:00.000+08:00

Your True Nature by llScorpiusll
Username
The quality that most appeals to you:	Beauty
In a survival situation, you:	Do what is necessary
Your hidden talent is:	Endurance
Your gift is:	Ability to acquire wealth
In groups, you:	Don't fit in
Your best quality is:	Your protectiveness
Your weakness is:	Your lack of focus

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

my first post from my new comp to my blog. just love the feeling... oh about hta table above, i did it for a lark when i went to yw's blog. apparently some things just have a way of shouting in your face. haha~!

2004-05-11T17:55:00.000+08:00

time can never be turned back. the present will become past in a blink of an eye. when you find that there is no turning back, it means that you have walked a long way to get where you are now.

2004-05-10T20:04:00.000+08:00

time to start looking for a job. man it really is hard to find people willing to hire someone for just 2 months. but i'll presevere...

it's also time to start searching for myself. what is my purpose. how do i fit in... thus i am off on yet another long journey and chit chat session...

2004-05-06T22:35:00.000+08:00

i woke up shouting from my GA induced sleep. i think i scared the shit out of the nurse and myself. the needle from the IV drip was still in my left hand. what that was removed the blood gushed out. not that i am scared of blood but quite recently i have had one too many needle insertions into my body. 2 blood tests, the IV drip, the injection before the IV drip, blod donation needle, the painkiller injection before that... *shudder*

i woke with a headache, a desire to pee but not being able to, thick coagulated blood and phlegm mix in my throat and a whole lot of weird sensations. i think this is be my first and last GA operation. the feeling is too shitty to endure more than once.

i have a bag of teeth that they gave to me to give the toothfairy... *yuck* but well...

2004-04-15T10:03:00.000+08:00

i'm so disappointed in the world and the way people are brought up in my country. so mercenary and calculative.

i had a duty on thursday in the middle of my planned leave and i was looking for someone to cover it for me. the only 2 people who could possibly do it for me flatly refused because they finished their quota, and their main reason was, what if they had no duty next month for me to cover for them as a form of payback.

working to build up a reputation as a dependable, reliable, trustworthy and honest person is useless when people are just so realistic. if you have no duty next month definitely can work out a form of compensation. i could always just report sick and have my i/c throw the duty to one of them, but that would be irresponsible. also next month they would definitely have duties still. because the replacements only come in the month after. sigh.

yet there are redeeming people who have helped me and i would help them in return no questions asked. people like brian. he offered to cover my duty on monday just so that i could go see a dentist to solve my wisdom tooth problem and get an appointment to remove it asap. he did a weekday duty for me, and next month if his only duty is a weekend one i'll do it for him still no problems, even if i had to walk the whole day. people like these are worth helping because they help you unconditionally. he never expected me to do one for him next month anyway. i'm glad God put people like these in my life.

how did i solve my problem eventually? i didn't. God helped me. a guy who had duty on another weekday came up to me and offered to exchange duties with me. i believe that it was God or Christ who had done that, to guide me to that option when i was out of options.

Praise the Lord.

2004-04-04T09:43:00.000+08:00

my resurrected bike

2004-03-28T09:52:00.000+08:00

i have resumed my normal life without a cast. almost. left wrist hurts from time to time. sigh... going to resume my driving lessons. it's so... i dunno how to describe. i just dun want to learn how to drive.

2004-03-06T10:55:00.000+08:00

what the hell. drunk driving might get you 2 years jail and a fine max. even when you kill someone in the process. no suspension of license? no banned from driving? and that guy got 4 months jail. only. oral sex? 2 years jail on the spot no talk. caning might be possible. so what sort of message is being implied to the people? oral sex, voluntary at that, is more serious an offence than drunk driving AND KILLING someone in the process? so manslaughter, loss of lives are all acceptable AS LONG AS no oral sex is involved? unless oral sex leads to the normal act of copulation? either there is something wrong with this judical system or values are severely misplaced here.

and note:
(Extracted from The Straits Times Online)

Apart from the higher number of fatalities, the overall road traffic situation here is somewhat better.

Fewer people were injured in crashes, for instance - there was a 21.2 per cent drop in the number of serious injury accidents, from 146 cases in 2002 to 115 last year.

The number of motorcyclists killed also fell, from 90 in 2002 to 79 last year.

Also noteworthy is that the number of motorcyclists and pillion riders injured last year has dropped to 4,249, compared with 4,637 in 2002

"Traffic Police Commander Teo Kian Teck said the lower figures were partly the result of tighter checks, particularly against speed demons and drink-driving. He added: 'We had more roadblocks and issued more summonses last year. I think our road safety messages to motorists have also made them more compliant to traffic rules.'"

More drink-drivers were arrested last year - 2,334 compared with 1,895 in 2002. Also up: Summonses issued for speeding, which jumped 37.6 per cent, from 35,361 in 2002 to 48,667 last year.

But Deputy Assistant Commissioner Teo said: 'Road safety is not just about numbers. It's about taking ownership of your own safety by being responsible, alert, patient and courteous.'

(end)

the overall report states that there is a fall in the number of crash/accident related injuries and motorcycle deaths, but does not state the number of accidents/crashes that has happened. did the number increase or fall? also the number of pedestrians that died in accidents has increased. what some people do not consider is that yes more drink-drivers arrested, more summonses issued for speeding does NOT show motorists have been more compliant with traffic rules but the OTHERWISE. what the heck??? since when did more arrests show more compliance for the laws??? so what if you have more roadblocks? THE DRIVERS DON'T CARE!

and the last statement he made is totally bull. taking ownership of my own safety means that when i bloody cycle, i stick to the leftmost lane and take up the whole damned lane whether you like it or not. that's being responsible for myself, makes me alert, AND teaches drivers patience and courtesy. bloody hell you know how many times drivers squeeze cyclists to the very edge of the road? heavy vehicles, trailer trucks, buses, taxis, vans, lorries, cars (especially owners of BIG EXPENSIVE FLASHY CARS like the mercedes benz, lexus, sports cars, modified (illegally) cars, etc) they all do that. and we can't cycle on the pedestrian walkway by government law as well. left to find for ourselves.

all pedestrians and cyclists, fear for your lives.

2004-03-05T22:35:00.000+08:00

watching what i blog is such a pain in the arse. being politically correct and avoiding misunderstanding is just so irritating. when i type something but someone else takes it to mean it's to be directed at them when it is not so in the first place. how to blog what i think without people getting mired in the trap of misunderstanding? ambiguity is so... aimless.

on another note with regards to my life in the future:

"Soldier knocked down cyclist after drinking binge
By Chong Chee Kin - Straits Times (27 Feb 2004)

SINGAPORE Armed Forces First Sergeant Koe Seng Wah had already had too many glasses of beer when he got behind the wheel of his car on Sept 13 last year.

It did not stop him from exceeding the speed limit though. Shortly after he left Tengah Air Base at about 4.15pm, he hit a 23-year-old cyclist, who died at the scene.

Yesterday, Koe, 31, was jailed four months for causing the death of the cyclist through his recklessness.

A district court heard that the breath analyser test he took about two hours after the accident showed he had 78 micrograms of alcohol in 100ml of his breath - more than twice the legal limit of 35 micrograms per 100ml.

The cyclist, Nanyang Technological University engineering undergraduate Alvin Boey, was on the road with a group of friends in Jalan Bahar, which has a speed limit of 60kmh, when the accident happened.

Koe, who was driving his car at about 70kmh, was on his way to pick up his wife and year-old son, when he spotted Mr Boey and his friends on the inside lane, travelling in the same direction.

Instead of slowing down or moving to the right lane, Koe continued driving on the inside lane at the same speed, and hit Mr Boey's bicycle.

The undergrad was flung onto the windscreen of Koe's car, landing so heavily that he cracked it before ending up on the road.

Investigations later revealed that Koe had finished work at the airbase at about noon and gone to the mess hall where he drank beer for about four hours until he left.

In his mitigation, he told the court he had a clean driving record before the accident. He also said he was remorseful and had swerved right after he hit Mr Boey to avoid running over him.

He could have been jailed for up to two years and fined."

(Extracted from The Straits Times Online Forum Section)

Fatal drink-driving case sends the wrong message

I AM appalled at the light sentence - four months' jail - First Sergeant Koe Seng Wah received for killing a cyclist while driving under the influence of alcohol ('Soldier knocked down cyclist after drinking binge'; ST, Feb 27).

In another article on the same day ('Cop gets a year's jail for oral sex with wife's sister'), it was reported that a man was jailed for a year - three times longer than Koe - for oral sex.

Another jail sentence for oral sex was halved recently, from two years to one year.

In comparing the two crimes and the sentences meted out for them, I cannot help but feel that the judicial system is sending a message to the public that it is much less reprehensible to drink and drive and in the process endanger and even kill fellow road-users than to engage in a sexual practice which hurts only the morals of others but does no (or much less) actual harm.

In my opinion, the light sentence Sgt Koe received is a slap in the face of all cyclists, pedestrians and other road-users and undermines efforts to stamp out drink driving and to make the roads safer.

One can only hope that the prosecution will appeal against the sentence and that other motorists do not think that drink driving is a petty transgression which one get away with lightly, even if something happens.

MATHIAS KORBER

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I REFER to the article, 'Soldier knocked down cyclist after drinking binge' (ST, Feb 27).

The report stated that a motorist, who had twice the legal limit of alcohol, knocked down and killed a cyclist, demonstrating the addled responsiveness typical of the inebriated state. For this, he was jailed for four months.

It is appalling to think that so little value is placed on a human life. The message being sent out is that a cyclist, acting fully within his rights according to the Road Traffic Act, is expendable.

Under the Road Traffic Act, 'any person who drives in a manner which is dangerous to the public... shall be liable on conviction to a fine not exceeding $3,000 or to a term not exceeding 12 months or both'.

However, in other countries, drivers have been found guilty of using their cars as instruments of homicide, and charged accordingly.

'Reckless driving' doesn't take into account the damage inflicted; what this law suggests is that he would have faced the same amount of jail time had he knocked down a lamppost, or even if he had completely avoided hitting anybody.

But this is a human life we are talking about. It is about the responsibility that driving a heavy vehicle which could kill an innocent passer-by (or cyclist) with a spin of the steering wheel entails.

First Sergeant Koe Seng Wah's mitigation plea - that he 'had swerved right after he hit Mr Alvin Boey to avoid running over him' - only demonstrates a lack of remorse and a repugnant inability to grasp the true consequence of his actions.

The Government needs to act to make the roads safe for everybody - drivers, cyclists and pedestrians alike.

EDRIC SNG TEK JIN

(Extracted from www.togoparts.com forums)

Quote:
" Formerly posted by Kong:
i know some of you don't like sarcasm....
put on this t-shirt when you go riding

HIT ME
It'll Only Cost You
4 Months!"

2004-03-03T18:14:00.000+08:00

i have faced a lot of moral issues. challenges posed by God or just things i should take note of in my life?

on the other hand i am just counting down to when i remove my cast and can cycle again. 2 more weeks. can't wait for that day. finally having something to do sure beats sitting around in camp doing nothing everyday. sigh... i feel like i am just rotting. finding ways and means to while my time away. but i will find a way.

2004-02-15T20:50:00.000+08:00

whatever does not kill me will make me stronger.

and so i walk out of this accident an even bigger daredevil haha. but seriously, hey there's risks in everything. if we keep avoiding every risk, we would achieve nothing. i love cycling. i want to become a good cyclist. i believe i can become one. so i do cycle and train and put myself at risk from traffic. so do every national cyclist, triathlete, and aspiring athletes in these fields. lance armstrong trained cycling on the roads, not just doing circles in the velodrome or doing drills on a cycling trainer. so did each and every other athlete. marathon runners dun just run on treadmills and on running tracks. swimmers dun just do laps in a pool. and if every canoeist/kayaker/rower/sailor did did training in calm waters, how would they learn how to handle rough choppy waters? skill comes not only from practice but experience. name me an F1 driver that has not spun out or crashed before even once in his career. rare to find. and those who have not done so are not usually among the top. i want to achieve something. so i have to do what i must while keeping the risks in mind. and that's life.

2004-02-12T18:25:00.000+08:00

sian. appointment with the orthopaediatrist. he says i need to have a cast for 3 months. and i might need an operation to prevent arthritis. sheesh... 20 yrs old and i have arthritis. what a terribly exciting prospect...

my source of pain. it made me superman for all of 5 seconds. a matrix moment when i saw my wheelset disintegrate before my eyes.

2004-02-10T08:20:00.000+08:00

typing with one hand is quite shitty. fractured my left wrist while cycling home from camp. crashed big time. saw my front wheel disintegrate. now my wrist is in a cast, plus moving my fingers hurt like hell. abrasion wounds hurt too. argh... 6 to 8 weeks of no cycling. sian. but... i can still run~! haha.

i was like the only cheery face in the A&E department of tan tock seng hospital. quite positive about my injury and talking to the staff nurse in triage and the doc in consultation. doc couldn't believe i wanted as short an mc as possible and i didn't want to have a stay home mc. small consolation was at least both the doc and nurse were cute. >_< haha. and yes they were female in case you were wondering about my sexual deviation.

2004-02-08T20:36:00.000+08:00

praise and worship before each service is wonderful. every time i sing it just brings tears to my eyes. i want to cry inexplicably. that's that.

cycling has become part of me. one with me. each time i cycle is a time to spend alone with God. talking with him on the trip, praying to him. no one could ask for a better cycling partner than Him.

2004-02-02T11:23:00.000+08:00

meditation. the most effective form of focusing and resting of the mind. how to rest in 4 or 5 hours, and feel like you have slept for 7.

i now cycle as a form of commuting to and from camp. cheaper and healthier, if you don't factor in vehicle exhaust... *yuck*

2004-01-27T20:44:00.000+08:00

my dream bike. brand new like this costs $2.3k. someone is selling his frameset for $400 and i can build it up from there. sigh... where can i get the money in the first place.

(all second hand)
frameset $400
shimano 105 grouppo ~$500

(all new)
saddle + seatpost + handlebar + stem $250 ~ $300
wheelset $350
tires + tubes $130
shoes + pedals + cyclecomputer $350

total cost is ~$2k

question is, where to get this kind of money in the first place? sigh...

2004-01-24T15:29:00.000+08:00

i dunno which to choose.

A. Tacx Tao (secured by grip of rubber surface)

or

B. Profile Design Kage (secured by grip by O-ring rubber band around the top)

i know this is vain but.... ah well. have to try both. don't know which would be easier to remove and put the bottle in yet hold it secure.

looking for a sponsor to believe in me and allow me to get a road bike for competition and training. wonder if this would actually happen.

2004-01-23T13:15:00.000+08:00

laugh in public, weep in private. the two faces of the masks of drama, comedy and tragedy. two faces of a coin but always hand in hand. that's how i lead my life. rarely do people see me cry. and that's how my life goes on.

i'm not sorry for sounding so melancholy, depressed or full of angst. this is a blog meant to vent myself, an outlet. so if you think this is too depressing for you then go read something else. why should i change myself to fit the whims and preferences of others? if you think this is all i do, just sit and go "oh my my life is so sad" and just cry and fill in this blog with inane content, think again. don't go forming your own conclusions without even attempting to find out more. like my father.

oh update. he seems to be very proud of his disowning of my uncle, telling everyone about it. talk about washing dirty linen in public. it's so degrading that it's repulsive. apparently when i was out cycling yesterday he was busy making a fool of himself at my grandmother's house. and apparently after being told yesterday that his sister had moved house, he did not listen, and today when he brought us to the old address and my mom told him the address was somewhere else instead he replied with a sarcastic "thank you very much". we are not begging you to give us a lift. if you're not happy, then fuck off. no need to act like a shallow family man giving us a lift and cursing and swearing after that. we can manage on our own thank you very much. our original plans of getting from point a to b never for once included you. when we learn how to be independent, you become useless. you are peripheral. but well let's give the man some credit. at least he acted like he listened. can't believe that when my aunt , through him, invited my family for lunch at her house today, he did not relay the message to my mum at all. intentional? knowing this man now, highly likely.

i feel like a zombie plodding around the house. lifeless, sluggish.

2004-01-22T11:37:00.000+08:00

i think i can run the 2.4 km ippt run in sub 9 min now. did 5.4 km in 18 min 35 sec yesterday. think this bodes well for my training. quite an improvement from the last time considering that i also did swimming and running training the day before. sometimes i think my long trainings for biathlon and triathlon are just a way to get away from home, distract myself, focus my thoughts. there is only so much meditation can do.

for people who read my poetry i am sorry there has been no updates for a long time. inspiration has not struck and i am not going to direct my mental energies there for quite a while. going to move my mind towards sport endurance and determination for a while. might be taking part in an army 50 km road relay if they can submit my name in last minute.

actually managed to squeeze in 30 km of cycling today. my heart was hurting... must have not warmed up enough. that or still tired from the day before.

songs of the moment:
Jewel - Stand
Michelle Branch - Are You Happy Now
I Will Be Your Shelter (from TVB serial Golden Faith)
Corrinne May - Something About You
Mika Nakashima - Find The Way
Craig Armstrong - (Both Love Themes from Love Actually)
Mr Big - Shine

kinds of tell you about my mood and feelings. simply one word. jumbled.

2004-01-22T10:11:00.000+08:00

damn pissed off with my father. last night was the reunion dinner. my uncle, who was still in china, couldn't go but his son went to the dinner. now my dad disowned this uncle of mine and had the cheek to tell that to my grandmother, who had a brain operation and was a little confused. telling her this guy was her son but now his brother, he doesn't have a brother like that, all in our teochew dialect. now my cousin may be eurasian but that doesn't mean that he doesn't know the dialect or is an idiot. he could even ask my cousin "how come your dad didn't come back, he had avian flu or sars ah?" i was damned pissed off, and very disappointed in my father. but i expected this to happen anyway looking at how tactless he is and still keeps telling me to be more tactful and less arrogant and less curt. right now i never see the need to when talking to him. no subtleties or formalities necessary when talking to people like him.

all this happened when my uncle was posted to thailand before his current china assignment. my mom asked him to find out about my dad's current fascination and current overly regular visits to thailand and apparently he has yet another mistress. maybe 2 even. so my dad found out about my uncle communicationg with my mom behind his back and like all criminals caught red-handed he proceeded to divert the topic and brainwash me on the times he fetched my back to camp, saying this and that which i don't bother listening to. my ethics are sound enough without a need for unnecessary outside corruption. but bottom line, he disowned this uncle for "betraying his trust and doing things behind his back". does this mean that if he has a mistress in thailand, doing things behind our backs we all can disown him too? karma has a way of going round and coming right back at you.

chinese new year is meant to be a day of celebration, visits, festivities, happiness. unfortunately this seems to be a veneer that covers issues like family politics, family problems and so on. i believe that no matter what other families look like, they will always be dysfunctional in one way or another. so many dysfuntional families and no one knows. maybe some have more pronounced symptoms than the other, some don't. either that or they hide it very well. having a greater understanding and grasp of things as you grow older is like a double edged sword. some things you just don't want to know, or look away from. i despise my dad, but i feel sad looking at the way he eats sometimes. diets on veg and tofu, yet grabs at meats and such when he has the chance and looks like a scavenger when eating them. this imagery is very heart wrenching, and i don't know whether to sympathise with him, or just be disgusted.

my father said one day driving me back to camp. "i want to make this more of a son to father relationship, instead of a son to parent relationship." i was like thinking what the hell are you insinuating? so my mum is not my parent? WTF?! "i don't just want to be someone who just gives you money." and i just thought what the hell, you've been doing that for the last 20 years of my life and now you say this? what are you trying to do, canvass support for yourself ah? so to make up for 20 years of indifference now you want me to be buddy buddy with you and share my problems with you instantly? the last straw came when i said i have nothing to say about my expenditure, and he said "don't give such an arrogant answer". i was like FUCK! this is the last straw! i just said i have nothing to say because he has his own preconceived notions of how i spent my money and his own suspicions. i am too tired to explain myself, or cook up excuses and reasons that he expects or wants to hear so that he can launch off his own pre-prepared counter arguments and sermons. i just want to spit in his face and say if i ever learnt arrogance, it was from YOU! i never see a need to talk to a man who prepares a response to whatever you are going to say next and shoot an arrow back at you, metaphorically speaking. when you shut up, all his prepared verbal munitions just have no chance to be fired and end up as a useless stockpile.

my heart feels so heavy and it just hurts. i wish all this would end soon, now. heck it could end very fast if i chose, but who would look after my family then. being the eldest has so many implications, and now all these implications come to light. when you are just 6 or 8 years old and told you are the eldest child and have a lot of responsibilities it don't mean a thing, but now at the age of 20 pushing 21, it suddenly makes a whole lot of sense what those responsibilities entail. it sure ain't much fun being the eldest. had better train up to prepare for future fist fights. verbal sparring is no longer a viable way to deal with a reckless desperate man.

2004-01-18T17:11:00.000+08:00

found my specs. at the kerb. at the bottom of the flyover. there is a god. period. time to honour promises.

2004-01-18T01:27:00.000+08:00

i think that i and oakley will never go well together. just lost my second pair. that goes to mean something.

and also, i hate the COC parades... or rather being part of it.

2004-01-11T19:30:00.000+08:00

celebrated melissa's birthday last night. happy birthday mel~! to say the least, i was quite shocked that it was to celebrate her birthday. thought it was any normal dinner. then came the "we're eating at a restaurant" part. then when i stepped in, there it was on the wall. "happy birthday melissa". >_<"

anyways it ended a little into the next day, or today. went home, took a bath and slept for this morning's cycling training. then i was surprised by that the group composed of very fit triathletes. there was even this guy and his wife who were about 50 years and still going. i was so so so shocked. they could cycle in front of me and climb hills on their bikes like no one's business. they are so damn fit! scary siaz... but on the good side, at least i found a constant group to really push my physical fitness to the next level, as they do cycling and running training on sunday mornings. 100km cycle followed by a 10km run. the ironmen and ironwomen of singapore. they are so so so fit it just scares me. you thought one guy you know can run 2.4km in 8 and a half minutes was cool? i think they can do better than that... after 40km of cycling. there was even this guy cycling on this really old school steel bike that had downtube shifters. and he was the first to get back from the cycling portion. power.

2004-01-08T21:26:00.000+08:00

i must be going mad or obssessed with stuff. i've no formal training of any kind and i want to take part in the upcoming biathlon in march. i've only just learnt how to cycle and i am going to take part in the NTU bike rally in feb. this is really insane... sigh... but let's give it a shot anyway ehz? what started as an effort to reduce body fat turned out to be such a crazy idea. time to log in training miles i suppose. both on land and in water. anyone wants to join me? i haven't swum for so long. can't even imagine how long i would take to swim 1.5 km now. but as the saying goes... "just do it!"

2004-01-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

now my skin is so strangely tanned. only my lower arms are tanned. the hands are not (cos i cycled with gloves on) and my upper arms are not (cos i wore short sleeved t-shirts). did another 60 km today but a relax one down to east coast with a group of guys, went around the area, go makan at ECP and went back home again. found out my bike had 2 critical faults. the rear wheel had to be trued and the rear derailleur mounting point was bent *inwards* 15 degrees. yes that means my rear dee could actually whack the spokes of my wheel at the innermost gear. fixed it all though thanks to michael (really lao jiao cyclist man) and the bike shop mechs (really nice guys). any cyclists who visit my site and who don't know about it can go visit www.togoparts.com. great site.

2004-01-04T12:10:00.000+08:00

my first bicycle

used this to train yesterday with some roadies... damn difficult to keep up with them manz.... 2 of them were actually triathletes too... saw a pair of $2+k carbon fibre wheelsets... and campagnolo record grouppo, and a titanium road frame that was so light... now my thighs are a little sore from all the riding yesterday... can't believe i clocked a total of 80+ km. scary siaz.

note to self: need to get a pair of padded cycling shorts asap however gay some people might think it looks. abrasion wounds from underwear and regular shorts is not funny. *oww* jerseys can wait till long time later.

2004-01-02T09:05:00.000+08:00

endurance.

clocking up miles in a bid for some training before i sign up for the NTU bike rally. will be so fun! a 128 km trip from NTU to pasir ris and back. haven't cycled so far in one sitting but i think it would be interesting. kinda like taking part in the marathon (which i didn't do). cycling is a low impact sport w.r.t. running of course.

dreams.

i wanna take part in a triathlon some day, but the sian part is the swimming section lol...

2003-12-24T16:52:00.000+08:00

karma.

long time since i updated. think karma is a valid concept. do good stuff and someday it may just come back to you. not $$$ wise or anything. just meeting nice helpful people is good enough.

bored.

thinking of cycling around the island... hahaz wonder if i can find my way anywhere. without a singapore road directory. lol.

christmas.

all i can think of christmas is nothing. i just want to upgrade the last bits of my bike and that's all. save up for a road bike next.

2003-12-10T23:58:00.000+08:00

sanctuary.

anyone who reads this and has a spare room in their house, or a room for rent, tell me. for reasons as to why, please see above.

backlash.

always the problems of the previous generation will affect the current in one way or another.

2003-12-07T20:02:00.000+08:00

hanging on.

just had rock climbing lesson today. damn tired. but it was fun. gotta keep training bouldering and practising on overhangs. really tough those. soon get shoes, harness got to think about it. really expensive those. i climb as a distraction. i climb to think, to visualise. just like i cycle.

hidden words.

just like i hang on to the wall like my life depended on it, i hang on to my sanity. in my house i can never have peace. in my own home! so i go out to cycle. day, night, doesn't matter. or i start a day activity while i cycle at night. in this case i climb rock walls, though i see myself bouldering more than climbing. cycle cycle cycle. climb climb climb. at least i get more fit. changed my nsf bank account so that all my pay goes into my pocket instead of some seperate account my dad controls. who knows where the money will all end up in the future. mum is paranoid, dad is acting strange. more and more accounts are set up but all this is more like a shadow, a hoax, a smokescreen. reasons to put money in but nothing goes in.

2003-12-06T11:53:00.000+08:00

tired.

lazy to write anything. what people want to know, should know, and what they don't want to know. seems simple emough to leave things as they are when the entire machine is still functioning. the writer filters out what he thinks people don't want to hear, transcribes what people want to know or think they know. blissfully ignorant. saves a lot of pain and trouble in the long run.

life.

sometimes i wish life was like a comic strip. everything stops at a punchline and does not play out into a huge cruel joke. false hopes and shattered egos aside, maybe all the cruel things in life would suffer retribution some day. don't the words "apocalypse" or "armageddon" sound sexy?

ends.

is there anything to lose at all except our current state of consciousness? what happens after? what we are all attached to are but physical objects or mental concepts to which we place great importance and live our lives around them. what happens after? or if these things disappear? would we live "the simple life"? a state where we don't feel attachment to anything. is it being cold, aloof, unfeeling? or just being a contrast to what currently is?

me.

was i ever like this? did i even stop, pause and think so much before? maybe this is a moment of relevation when i start to open my eyes and scrutinise the things around me. or am i just nit-picking? living without wondering how food gets to the table, how you have to work your arse off and bust your balls before you can even get any results, without caring how what you do has an effect, however small, on the people around you. amazing how i pulled it all off before. asking parents for things which they pay for but i use, asking them for money which they give me reluctantly but i spend frivolously, not wondering what they give up to give me that amount of money. me and many others. wonder if they have awakened to reality. the dream that has gone on for far too long in all its 20 years end here.

2003-11-29T10:22:00.000+08:00

speed.

home for another weekend and off i go at the next chance to cycle again. went to newton with my bunkmate for supper. newton circus food centre. targeted at the tourist/yuppie crowd, late night hours means great supper place for those who have some cash to spend.

aural bliss.

corrinne may is simply fantastic. check her out. i love her songs and lyrics. her voice is great and the music is good. haven't had such a feeling for so long from simply hearing music. and from the whole album too. mostly it's just singles. one word: lovely.

tears.

eyes moistening, droplets streaming down cheeks before continuing into a fall. listening to corrinne may makes me cry. i don't know why. i haven't cried for a long time. a very long time. so long that i fear i may really be numb to all that has happened to me in my life.

2003-11-22T23:27:00.000+08:00

sore.

my thighs ache. cycled from home, to orchard, to bugis then outram then home again.

2003-11-16T15:09:00.000+08:00

whatever.

the word used most often. speak your uninterested, disillusioned, fatigued mind.

sui2 bian4.

see above.

duty.

tired beyond all comprehension.

2003-11-03T20:44:00.000+08:00

facade.

looking happy and feeling happy are two different things altogether. looks are just superficial. covers up whatever is inside. you'll never know if a person is truly happy or just acting.

family.

life dishes you a lot of crap you can't refuse. whether you can choose what to do with it i have no idea.

2003-11-02T19:54:00.000+08:00

contradictions.

i have a headache, tired yet i wanna go out and do things. i force myself to stay awake and active every moment to see what i can rarely see. i want to meet up with friends, to sit at a table and talk over a cup of coffee and cake. yet, i just wanna stay at home and curl up in my blanket and hide from the world with only my baby eeyore to keep me company.

dysfunctional.

sad videos. heart wrenching lyrics. music that fiils your soul and leaves you feeling more empty before when it ends and flows away. give me more. and the more you take in the emptier you feel. nickelback's someday mtv. watch it. feel it. live it. things you wish could happen to you in your life because it seems like a culmination of what you want in life. yet it's such a strange morbid fascination. not only that but also a walk to remember, or kiss's because i am a woman. things you would never have to balls to do but can only contemplete and think.

pain.

i hurt. my heart aches. i cry. the cycle repeats. anger, jealousy, regret, desire, avarice, an amalgam of pain. i want love. a salve to reduce it. a placebo or a true cure?

cycles.

it never ends just there.

2003-10-26T19:51:00.000+08:00

13 days since my last entry... seems my lethargy at writing an actual diary is also seeping into my desire to constantly update and maintain my blog. sigh...

ah well anyways did a 5 km run at yishun park recently. was so relieved to regain my stamina back. did not exercise for so long before this. i thought i was going to just give up in the middle of that run. after that i went to yishun safra to take a look around. nice place and great facilities. saw a rock climbing wall but they dun give lessons there. to learn i have to go to tampines sports hall to apply and learn there. it's so far from home. but for interest's sake. fortunately they hold it on sundays.

i've also paid a visit to muddy murphy's. great irish pub atmosphere that you cannot really get for the regular pubs and clubs. comfortable to sit down for a chat with friends over kilkenny's, one of the best beers i've ever had (short of that straight from a microbrewery). the finger foods are great too but it is better to go during happy hour where the alcohol is slightly cheaper. a pint of kilkenny's sets you back S$13 normally while during happy hour it costs S$11 i think. but a pint is a lot of beer already if you're driving. but if you are happy enough to stumble home then drink and be merry lol.

the latest phenomenon to reach bursting point. friendster. server is unable to handle the overload of users and people just keep adding more people to their lists but to what avail i wonder. sort of like how property costs keep rising till the bubble bursts and everything all comes crashing down. what would happen when friendster becomes a paid service? who knows. maybe that won't even happen.

2003-10-13T10:30:00.000+08:00

i think i am too much of a sap. must be all the manga i read. with titles like love hina, video girl ai, i's', chobits, ah! my goddess etc... i don't think that i will ever survive in a real relationship. my choice of music doesn't really help too. here without you by 3 doors down, xin yu xing yuan by cecilia cheung, should i stay by dreamz fm, who painted the moon black by hayley westenra, i love you so much by park yong ha... you get the idea.

love. a single word for a multitude of feelings. if the price of peace is eternal vigilance, then the price of love is eternal jealousy, i think... right ladies? intimacy means so much more than sex, the feeling of closeness, importance and respect more valued than orgasms. we seek to fill a void within ourselves, that or find an anchor to hold us in our times of turbulence. who can we depend on when we need help? a god? friends? ourselves? it differs from person to person and i don't think that there can ever be an absolute answer. what works for one does not work for all. will some people ever realise that?

2003-10-12T22:47:00.000+08:00

finally i finished the poem. took me err... two weeks to finally write the last two stanzas. i think techno music, or music at all, is conducive. haha. check out my other blog and tell me what you think.

it rained today, and yesterday, and on so many other days before. the rainy season is coming. the season i love, cos it makes you just want to burrow deeper into your bed, blanket and pillow and feel the warmth. of cos for all those couples out there having a loved one lying next to you is an added bonus. so to all you people staying in the hostels... okay never mind, let's not go there shall we?

2003-10-07T21:11:00.000+08:00

i don't know why but i just can't stop thinking in limericks! the worst part is i can't complete them and i don't want to complete them. especially when i am thinking of how to end a poem. gah! ah well... guess i need more inspiration than perspiration. i realise that things are easy to start but difficult to end. i am actually stuck on how to write the last 2 stanzas. 8 lines.

career soldiers say ns is a waste of time for us NSFs. what a way to boost our morale and reinforce the fact that we could do better things or get a more well paid job instead of spending 2 and a half years in a pseudo limbo. and on a site next to the border of hell too, metaphorically speaking of course.

2003-09-30T17:56:00.000+08:00

life is like...

a vanilla milkshake. hard to suck up the straw, and sweet and creamy in small amounts. take too much to hard too fast and it is tough to swallow.

that's what i thought drinking one at mos burger one day. and why is mos burger the only fast food joint selling milkshakes nowadays?

on a wholly different note, i have a headache. why is this so significant? cos i just received an email from poetry.com requesting that i submit a poem for a seperate contest and publication. guess i would not be able to think of anything for the next few days lol. inspirational drought too.

2003-09-27T23:22:00.000+08:00

my friend asked me this today.

"bertram, tonight nus bash at zouk wanna go?"

i replied, "and to what cause?"

and his reply was as follows.

"go there and havoc lah"

i hesitated. like most people would when they are faced with such a sudden proposition as this. for one discos are out for me. i've never been to one and i don't really intend to go to one in the near future. dancing on the dance floor to loud music while intoxicated is not really a night i want to remember from the puke on the floor later when i get home.

i hesitated where i would have just replied with a yes before. guess i am just growing older. that or tired.

2003-09-26T03:25:00.000+08:00

my biggest mistake in life is most definitely flirting. i do it badly. what makes it worse is that sometimes, i do it unknowingly. either that or i am damn bad at people relations. it usually ends up in me screwing up what could have been a normal friendship. then i change totally. jump into the other personality that just sits in a corner, keeps quiet and hope no one sees me. swinging between the two is not really a good thing. which is why some people think i am a pretty screwed up person. can't really blame them for thinking that way.

what this blog was meant to be, an online journal of sorts, has become more of a confessional cum diary cum scribble pad.

and speaking of scribble pads, to write this down, ever since my friend invited me to join friendster.com and in my boredom i just looked at pages after pages of profiles and added people i know to be friends, i've had weird dreams of the people i added. of all things. must either be the odd shift hours doing duty at sembawang wharves or been eating too much before sleeping. actually woke up to a nightmare at sembawang wharves one night during my rest shift. dunno what was that all about but i woke with a start and actually sat up with my chest gripped with a sort of imaginary (or real?) pain. ouch.

2003-09-22T01:02:00.000+08:00

bored enough to do quizilla quizzes. in a really quirky mood now so decided to do these two sorta funny looking quizzes.

What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

.....
how nice. gay bear. that's just so me...
hahaha~!

2003-09-21T19:46:00.000+08:00

how far do we deviate from what we want to be? in focusing on our goals we lose sight of ourselves. how many of us have aimed for what we wanted and done things we would not have normally done to get there? does this process of life harden our hearts, making us build a wall around us to act as a form of protection? does it turn us into the very persona we do not wish ourselves to be? this happens to me occasionally and when it does, i end up with a drastic change in behaviour. like a whole personality swap. i pull back, become someone else, and finally achieve nothing but pain. to find the real me...

we promise ourselves to avoid bad habits, make resolutions to not repeat our parents' mistakes.
a. i won't smoke.
b. i won't gamble.
c. i won't drink.
d. i won't visit prostitutes.
e. i swear i will forever be faithful to my spouse (which is what everyone swears in their wedding vows but most don't follow anyway).
f. i won't be life that guy/girl i hated so much in school.

there are so many things we do not want to be, but do we know what we want to be? what if we listed things that we want to be and followed those instead?
a. i want to benefit society
b. i want to help the needy
c. i want to change the system, to make things better.
d. i want to fall in love.
e. i want to live a full life.
f. i want to have a happy family.

in making goals that causes you to develop positive attitudes, it would benefit you as a person in a whole. ideally that is. would this system work? i hope so...

2003-09-20T17:26:00.000+08:00

took bus number 123 to hotel miramar for dinner yesterday and got up the bus from the bus stop in front of the thai embassy. an incident happened that made me realise how ugly singaporeans are.

the bus was behind another and had not stopped to pick up any passengers. so the front one does so and clears the bus lane, right? the one behind follows closely and stops within the bay to pick up passengers. all of a sudden this small car cuts from the outer lane into the bus lane, which at that time of 7 pm is restricted to buses only. the driver, a she who proclaims herself a prison officer, stops in the bus lane and gets out to quarrel with the bus driver for god knows what reason. the bus driver was a retired policeman, and quite obviously driving at such a slow speed in the bus lane to stop right at the bus stop would not make him the cause of the accident. so guess who was the one at fault? and the same person started quarrelling as well. we all stood up for the bus driver, all the passengers. what a bitch of a woman wanting to just keep quarrelling and quarreling, even accused the bus driving of shouting and being rude when (a) she is doing the same and (b) the bus driver has to keep to a schedule, has only 20 min for a dinner he has not yet eaten and the woman is delaying him and all of us. which brings us to the point of how ugly, unreasonable and unsympathetic some singaporeans are. from what i see, as the bus stop was in front of a traffic light, she obviously tried to beat the light and slice in front of the bus to enter a left turn lane just slightly further ahead. lousy, reckless driver and still trying to claim the bus driver caused the incident. who wouldn't be pissed? and there was no damage to her car even from what i saw.

just to say this out of justice. i support you mr ramesh, driver of bus service no 123, sbs 1942 b who stopped at that bus stop at 1910 hours yesterday. i as well as the gentleman who spoke up for you will definitely send in reedback to sbs to prevent you pay from being docked by that bitch's complaint.

2003-09-18T17:49:00.000+08:00

did some minor changes of sorts. made a new blog to put all my poems in and put a link to it on the left.

just came back from sembawang wharves. now enjoying my off. really difficult to stay awake, alert and fresh as a daisy for 8 hours straight, especially when you don't have enough rest. sleeping at odd hours and interrupted sleep at that is not rest.

the highlight of the place is the navy exchange which a minimart full of american products. considering that there is a us navy and air force office there, and that american ships dock there from time to time, it's inevitable that someone would set up a place to sell stuff from home for the american soldiers and sailors.

2003-09-06T01:19:00.000+08:00

i only like to go outfield for one reason... fireflies. not those artificial floating dots you see in the drama serials, but real flickering fireflies. brings a sense of nostalgia for the childhood i never had. never caught spiders, climbed trees, cycled in parks. spent much of my time at home either reading or playing nintendo, then sega, super nintendo and playstation. dull isn't it?

just came back from gpmg range. burned my thumb while doing a barrel change. now it has an imprint of the metal part i accidentally touched. it was ridged metal, and i can feel the new ridges in my thumb. feels kinda like running my fingers over a washing board. ow.

is it so important to be part of and belong to a group? is it even necessary in the first place? when young i've tried to fit in, failed, and then self amusement came along. spent a greater part of my time finding solitary activities to occupy myself. reading, swimming, video games. maybe to others who are part of a clique or group would think the next question is all crap, but for those who never did seeem to fit in anywhere, it would be something to think about. need we change ourselves to fit in? personally i've viewed changing my intrinsic self, my behaviour, manner of speech and way of thinking just to be part of something is pointless. i could never maintain a facade, a veneer of falsity that cracks easily. people let you down a lot, and if you are one who tries to fit in when the rest are already good buddies, they tend to forget you most of the time when they have outings. reality bites.

2003-09-04T20:21:00.000+08:00

would there be such a thing as a fair and just world? is it possible to bring to fruition what people have set out to achieve so long ago by producing a codex of laws describing what is not permissible and the punishments if the law was infringed upon? well people were told what they could not do, but there were a whole lot of things they can do but were not described. hence the continuation of undesirable but still permissible activities. the loopholes. is our own idea of a fair and just world an egocentric one? that it must always be to our own benefit first, others second, sometimes others need not even be considered? me, me, me. humans are always selfish.

i admit i am thinking of myself. why am i picked upon, why i am being arrowed to do so many things, why are there always these certain people who always laze around and never get noticed. sigh... but then again, this is prevalent everywhere, at work, in schools, everywhere. what hurts is that i am not able to do anything about it, while those who can never see or ignore it.

i know how ruijie feels, and sometimes i feel depressed as well. doing stuff to feel happy, to distract myself. is happiness a healthy state of mind? or is it a form of self delusion, convincing and believing i am happy. therefore by believing i will become happy. what is it that people need in their life? how do we abate depression? all i can do is just take things in my stride, exhale and then sigh, or sit in a corner and cry. fragile. a hardened exterior to protect a soft centre. bashed and cracked. are there others who feel the same way as well?

2003-09-02T17:26:00.000+08:00

back home... and i've finally learnt how to cycle on suday night. yay~!

2003-08-31T02:51:00.000+08:00

just came back from womad. wild wild night. read sachel's blog to get an idea of it. luckily it rained after the last performance of the night ended. was a thunderstorm.

our admission wristbands

given them when you enter, only way to reenter the place once you have decided to step out of fort canning park

potato salad i made for dinner...

...and chocolate cake i made for dessert

side note here. this was one bitch of a cake. totally pissed the hell out of me and was damn difficult to make. and the recipe said "if you have 40 min...". .... . what a big, fat lie.

sachel's apple and banana flambe... yummy!

our contributions to the night's picnic dinner. shaaretha and michelle made muffins with a ganache centre. all i can say is that i had an overload of sugar and chocolate. did i mention they were chocolate muffins too?

from left: me, sachel, shaaretha and michelle

at the end of womad at the top stage near where they were holding the club set. a kind soul helped us take this group shot.

after womad, i had like 2 hours to sleep before i had to go back to camp for guard duty. 48 hours consecutive guard duty. imagine that.

2003-08-30T02:12:00.000+08:00

the book

reading is good. reading depressive literature is not good. "bitch: in praise of difficult women" by elizabeth wurtzel. i feel so depressed, disheartened about life. i feel what she feels at the time of writing this book. a huge amount of research has gone into this book and when i reached the chapter of the women who have fallen apart due to depression, i just felt like curling up into a ball and just cry. anne sexton, sylvia plath, edie sedgwick, zelda fitzgerald, frances farmer, margaux hemingway. when i read about margaux hemingway it struck me because she did get her life in order, made appointments, moved house. however, it was a facade, an order to cover despair, appointments she will never go to, in a new house with things still neatly packed in boxes she committed suicide. those who are serious about ending their lives will do all they can to conceal their intentions from anyone who might get in the way and not cause a whole fuss about it. as wurtzel wrote, "depression, the disease of not feeling, starts to manifest itself as tantrums, hysteria, excess --- the disease of feeling too much ..... behaviour that is mistaken for any number of things --- lasciviousness, insanity, bitchiness above all --- is rarely mistaken for what it actually is, for one of the oft-forgotten sins against society, the illness at the centre of so many ills: despair." are you scared yet? i bloody hell am.

on to other things. i cleared out my drawer, and found a whole bunch of letters i used to write and receive from others back in the early jc days. before i had a phone, before i used email and icq often, before everything that happened that lead me up to keeping an online public diary of sorts called a blog. always loved putting pen/pencil to paper. it felt good to write on good paper with a good pen. i love the smell of fresh paper, the crisp, smooth and unblemished texture of it. it made me come alive. now that i type more than i write, i press phone buttons more than i write, i don't feel the life i get when i write, the fluidity, the grace, the elegant dance of paper on pen, in english exams the mad rush to put thoughts to paper, the slashing and slicing like a sabre of a british calvary officer in the air during swordsmanship practice. despite sporadic attempts to revive this life, i have not been able to regain the life i had released. oh to feel that vigour once more! i do not keep a diary, commiting most thoughts and experiences to memory. in my childhood i was too lazy to write. now, in my young adulthood i am too inept. using a weblog to communicate with others as they visit at their own convenient times. helps with long distance relationships i suppose, and with friends you are not really close too.

gone down to bellagio (a gelato outlet) today. it was introduced by ruijie, one of my campmates. 72 flavours can you believe?! indulgence. sheer indulgence. tried black sesame (hit), chocolate fudge (hit), yam (hit), rose (so-so), banana (so-so), wattle seed (so-so), grand marnier (miss), tia maria (miss) and bailey's (miss). 9 flavours. 3 triple flavour cups. $6.50 a cup. expensive ice cream. coincidentally, it was the place shulin's friend went to and described in her blog. did not give it much thought till it hit me like an oncoming train. however, having studied in the bukit timah area for 6 consecutive years (the chinese high school, then national junior college), i still prefer the gelato at 6th avenue. venezia at guthrie house, you know, the one with the cold storage and coffee bean and across the main road is a 7-11? much fewer flavours but smoother texture. can't believe i actually binged today. even the staff at bellagio were looking at me and seem to be thinking "sure or not?". ah well... as long as i am satisfied. haha. go for what i want. that applies to everyone of us too. go for what we want and don't hold back.

2003-08-24T13:09:00.000+08:00

went out to dinner with rach and esther on friday night at swiss culture at suntec. like esther said, "stuffed full of swiss sausage and chocolate fondue - cheesy, i blame thee" were her exact words. went to evita peroni after dinner. not that i am into wearing hairbands, clips and scrungies but just browsing is fun. i like to shop. they have lots of nice clips and hairbands, and for ladies who like to have their hair pinned and tied up there are many accessories too.

that's rachel on the left and esther on the right

last night i went to rachel's house for dinner. they had this really large dog who is can be described at best as silent and amorous. labrador retriever, big, huge, cute and absolutely cuddly! when i say silent and amorous i meant he doesn't bark, and the moment you pet or scratch him he just jumps on you, though when he did that when i arrived i had to drag myself and him to the door. he doesn't drool or slobber, though when i left i had to hunt for my sandal. one was at the door and another near the dog dish... *hmm* dinner was great. popiah and mee siam, but what was even better was the pre and post dinner entertainment. we had rachel and wang yun dance to david tao's music like they had smoked pot or eaten ecstasy, and all esther and i did were sitting there being highly amused and entertained. a camcorder, a camcorder, my kingdom for a camcorder. for all the humiliating moments to capture and view again 5 or even 10 years down the road. wang yun is very talented at music. plays the guitar well, and piano very well. entertaining us enthralled devotees with "wang yun unplugged" last night.

helped sachel prepare her hostel room. learned that when i finally enter university and live in the hostel i have to do a whole lot of cleaning. the floor had loads of dust, hairs, and the dust at the top of the cupboard was so thick i could write my name in it and have enough dust on my fingers to use as seasoning salt for instant noodles. i can't believe the previous occupants of the room were female. anyway we got down to cleaning the room, setting up her computer and doing a little decoration. nice looking hall on the outside hall 9 but the room is smaller than her previous one at hall 5.

now it's sunday and the weekend has come and gone. time to go back to camp tonight, burn away time and await the day i am finally able to have full control of my free time once more instead of being confined in a camp.

now listening to here without you by 3 doors down

"A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face
I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind

I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me...."

this song just causes emotions to surface... listening to this on a rainy day looking out the window makes my heart hurt inexplicably.

2003-08-22T09:58:00.000+08:00

made tiramisu for my platoon bbq yesterday. i like to make desserts. i shall try to find time one day to make chocolate cake and strawberry trifle. just pardon my amateur efforts.

the whole cake

one serving

if you would like me to make you one, please tell me in advance, 'kay? no promises though~ >_<

the bbq was quite fun haha. we saw quite a few people getting drunk including the guy who stayed at the condo we help the bbq at. they were all trying to ko my platoon sergeant too. their faces were all like super red man... this was at one person's house so still quite controlled. can't imagine what would happen at a chalet man. let the gates to hades open and all hell break loose, or something to that effect eh?

2003-08-20T07:35:00.000+08:00

define weird. i just awoke from this really weird dream.

first i was like at this bus stop and waiting to take a bus. then i flashed into a girl's room and flashed out again to the bus stop. the bus came and i got up and i saw two aunties talking. then one of them turned into my mom and the other had a daughter standing with her suddenly, the same girl whose room i was teleported into. they were talking and talking and i just well, hmmm this part gets fuzzy, i somehow got to know the girl. oh yeah i was packing stuff in my room and she was at the corridor outside peeking in. (i know my dream is really weird but bear with me) there was this guy standing next to me on the bus who was a lieutenant-colonel from the navy. he readjusted my shirt collar with this irritated expression and suddenly my clothes turned into my army uniform, all jungle stripe camouflage and lowly corporal rank. i ended up talking to the guy and we were talking about stuff that i forgot most about except army cooks and food. the girl from the bus was cooking food and somehow kwang boon appeared as one sailor waiting for the cook to finish making chips for him. in our conversation about the goodness of naval galley cooks as compared to army cooks the girl dropped the food she was making which was almost done. kwang boon said never mind and ate the food off the floor amidst her apologies. then we (the girl and me) somehow ended up walking on the deck of the ship, jumped across to another ship with really huge rusty guns, then with one more step we walking into the water and the ship was somehow moving away. a boatman on this skiff was dumping this red dye into the water and then sailed away ignoring our calls for help after looking at us. then we saw this tiny shore where many people were crowded there and we swam towards it. on that shore it was crowded with a lot of illegal immigrants, and the girl and me were the only chinese there. i was checking my phone to see if the water had damaged it when suddenly a military vehicle pulled up and one soldier stepped down asking for all people of my country to step forward. i stepped forward, found i had no identification papers or cards on me and the guy just carried on walking and asking others. i took out my military ez-link card as a last resort and asked the guy if that could suffice. he said yes and gave me this card which was supposed to me my war id but turned out to be a fill-in-yourself id card with a servicing checklist incorporated into it. i realised it was a servicing section when the place changed into this big multi storey car park with this technician sitting on the ground next to me repairing a vehicle. what was special about the card was you either fill in one section or two other sections. mine was half filled for some reason. so now my country was at war with someone and i am going off to war with that girl. we asked for a lift and were asked to get on the vehicle which transformed from a jeep to a bronco. no space in front so we went to the back (the vehicle had mannequins wearing army uniform and strapped into every available seat) but i had to go pee first so i went to near another vehicle in the car park to pee. then it so happeed i was in front of this old version army truck with anti air missile/artillery rocket tubes mounted on it. this guy wearing something like an NBC suit then got down from the driver's cabin and i went behind another vehicle to hide and observe. another similar truck appeared behind me and its driver got off to so i went back to my original place and pee-ed cos i can't take it anymore. the girl was waiting at one side with me when suddenly the bronco drove off leaving us behind. we shouted after it but it didn't stop and when we chased it, that's when i woke up.

really weird dream, totally out of this world and completely strange. now to find out what this whole entire choc-a-bloc means.

2003-08-17T12:07:00.000+08:00

back from my misadventures in the lim chu kang area, and to think that this is the seventh month (lunar calender) and the hungry ghost festival. well i didn't get dripped which is good, but that is because i didn't see front line action. however, worse stuff happened. given i am in a vehicle which was designed in 1954 by the french as a light tank for patrol/reconnaissance duties, it's really old and breaks down quite easily. maintenance is a killer.

this is my tank, a modified amx-13

on the first day of atec it already rained which is a really bad omen. i hate outfield when it rains. ground gets muddy, which makes vehicles muddy and our boots muddy when we dismount and makes the inside of the tank muddy when we get back in. heck of a mess to clean. then we get wet too since the hatches don't seal properly, and since air circulation is through the large engine fan, night rain feels like i am taking a shower in a refrigerator.

my tank broke down as it reached the lager location. rough terrain cause the right road wheel arm to break and we had to spend the whole night replacing the arm. what made it dificult was that the track was already half thrown and out of alignment with the sprocket wheel so the teeth were just slipping on the inner part of the track. uneven ground meant the track was super tight and we could not release the track tension to break it, realign it and change the road wheel arm. so we did quite a few stunts like placing rocks between the track and sprocket wheel and reversing to use the rock to raise the track. well the rock shattered to dust. but eventually we managed to strip the track and get down to changing the arm. spent the whole night and did not get much rest before we had to wake and chop plants to camouflage the tank for the first mission.

before we even started the mission i accidentally crushed my vehicle commander's foot. well his foot was in a danger area i couldn't see so when i elevated the turret it crushed his foot. there was even this visible dent in his foot. initial diagnosis at NUH was a fracture but after the second checkup at a specialist it was found that his entire toe bone is broken. end result he is out of action till 2nd of september. can't believe this.

then the third day passed quite uneventfully, waited like 12 hours at the line for the enemy to come during the second mission. torturous wait that. and on the last day when we moved out to do the final mission, my vehicle broke down again. radiator pipe was cut by the alternator belt and all the coolant leaked out. engine overheated, smoke streamed out through the fan cover, and it was like minutes after contact with an enemy vehicle. after the recovery team came and we slave started the vehicle to move it to one side of the axis, the engine got damaged and engine oil spurted all over the engine compartment. other oils and water got mixed with the engine oil i think so the engine is now really screwed. have to change the entire engine. what made it more interesting was then we broke down at a junction, the only junction in the training area with a grave there. someone said the guy was lonely and wanted some company so he caused our tank to break down there. all i could do was sigh...

oh did i mention it rained every single day? really killed the mood man. it actually rained 3 times on the second day, and really heavily on the last day as we waited at the admin area for the ride back to camp. all our weapons were covered in mud and water making it a real bitch to clean. it's like caked in mud whereas if it didn't rain it would be just sandy. the best one was that one of my weapons jammed. had a cartridge wedged between the recoil mechanism and the body acting like a door wedge, hence i could not fire, cock or strip my weapon. we used methods ranging from sticking in a track pin to hammer the recoil mechanism out and whacking the cocking handle on the hull of the tank, but to no avail. my platoon commander insisted it was just that the firing pin was bent and kept hitting the pin from the top to "realign" it. although i said it was due to a stuck cartridge he ignored me. well my whole platoon doesn't like him. we call him "cha tau", which is blockhead in hokkien i think.

and there you have it, the summary of my (mis)adventure outfield. the last one i will ever go to in my full time NS life. next one would be when i go for reservist after i ORD. "ORD loh!" *cheers* really long update this. will have more after i go for a whole slew of outings this coming week which is mostly block leave. *cheers again* it's my 4th consecutive long weekend that starts from a wednesday or earlier yay~

2003-08-09T13:31:00.000+08:00

a friend told me that i think i am a nice guy. that opened my eyes somewhat. thinking you are nice makes you blind to your faults which eventually leads to a singular sucidal implosion of self destruction. however i do try to be nice to everyone, until i cannot take it anymore when people start walking all over me. then i explode. that or just brood. that is not healthy; that's me. i can change, but do i want to make the effort to? think shall no longer try to please people. being *always* helpful, available and saying yes causes others to overlook you and take you for granted.

side note here about alcohol. why do people like to torture themselves so? in elaboration, they drink copious amounts of the stuff only to puke it out later accompanied with great agony as their body tries to expel the amount unable to be broken down. the sequence is as follows:
1. drink
2. get drunk
3a. dance like a madman (or woman)
b. talk rapidly on hyper mode, sometimes incoherently
c. cry, laugh, or sing uncontrollably, inexplicably and/or incessantly
4a. go to toilet and puke and end up hugging the commode and sleeping
b. stagger out of the joint and puke by the road
c. somehow find a way to get home and puke in your own toilet
5. get home (yours or otherwise) and sleep
6. wake up with a pounding headache and a bad mood
7. repeat steps 1 to 6 the next day/weekend
why do people like to hurt their own bodies? granted dutch courage allows you to do things you would not normally do and display pent up emotions but doesn't this hint at a deeper problem? mental, physical and spiritual are all linked in an interdependent relationship. is this a way at filling up the emptiness in their lives, suppressing the pain in their hearts or forgetting the problems they face? why run when you can just face up to it and get it over and done with? however hard you run, some day it will catch up with you and you end up facing it eventually.

to brian, i wish your grandmother good health and hope she recovers to full health asap.

to ruijie, just be yourself. to keep changing is to not be settled. people's impressions of a person run deep and are hard to change so instead of changing yourself to fit what they think is acceptable, accept yourself, your traits, and your limits.

eh singwei just relax on the design. the content matters more man.

to sachel and cheryl, finally it's been done and settled. no more problems regarding that issue anymore okay? my bad but i'm doing something about it.

and to my friends who study overseas, yes that means you esther, rachel, yingwen, wenqi, sarah, elaine, hanrong, vanessa and melissa, hope you all enjoy the overseas experience and liberation endowed by breaking free of the rigid mould termed the singapore education system. independence in a woman is a virtue most conservative men and MCPs can't see. hopefully it will also turn the kitchen disasters into competent chefs.

until i can reach a scanner or have one appear in front my me by eye power now, i will not be able to add more pictures to my online album till much later when i come back from the jungle in a week's time. till then i will be keeping radio silence in a forested area surrounded by people who would just love to issue me a casualty card and get me dripped by a novice medic who takes multiple jabs at my arm with the long thick needle of a saline bag in an attempt to find a major blood vessel.

2003-08-05T22:56:00.000+08:00

this is a simply beautiful song. there is no other way i can find to describe it. for everyone and anyone who has loved, been loved or fallen out of love, this is a song that would appeal to your heart and soul.

"The Difference" by Matchbox 20

Slow dancing
On the boulevard
In the quiet moments
While the city's still dark

Sleepwalking through the summer rain
In the tired spaces
You could hear her name

When she was warm and tender and you
Pulled her arms around you
There was nothing but her
Love and affection she was
Crazy for you now she's
Part of something that you lost

(chorus)
And for all you know
This could be
The difference between what you need
And what you want to be

Night swimming
In her diamond dress
Making small circles
Move across the surface

Stand watching
From the steady shore
Laying wide open
And waiting for

Something warm and tender while she's
Moving further from you
There was nothing that could
Make it easy on you
Every step you take reminds you
That she's walking on

(chorus)

Every word you never said
Echoes down your empty hallway
Everything that was your world
Just came down
It just came down

Day break on the boulevard
Feel the
Sun warming up your secondhand heart
Light swimming right across your face
You think
Maybe someday
Maybe someday

(chorus)

2003-08-03T12:46:00.000+08:00

stayed over at singwei's house last night. however, we didn't exactly sleep much.

went out to embargo at like 12+ am and it was like whoa man so last minute. candice was there with her sister and her friend sally, and to my surprise so was guo zhong and two other friends of his. it seemed so arranged...

so there we were talking and drinking a cocktail or two. talking about things i never expect to talk about with a person i've only met for the second time in my life (candice) or the first time (sally). any guesses? we were actually talking about lots of biology. gah whatever. we were actually talking about sex of all things. then it moved on to relationships and about differences between men and women.

something they said i couldn't really agree with personally but seems so in reality. nan2 ren2 bu4 huai4, nu3 ren2 bu4 ai4. or close to that. in english, the more "bad boy" personality the guy is, the more a girl likes him. why is this so? because she sees him as a challenge? as something for her to reform and when she succeeds, have as a trophy or crowning achievement? why would there be girls who want to keep getting hurt? secret masochistic fantasies? then what would happen to guys who are always nice to others, who are sensitive a.k.a. SNAG? or is the term "sensitive guy" an oxymoron?

is there a logical reason to this? or is it because that i am male, thus i require logic to organise and explain occurances? am i right to say that females would accept plausible reasons without second question based on mutual trust? too many questions to ask, too many answers to desire, yet would these answers make the world any better? would it be of any use except satisfying curiousity? or must everything have a use for it, or has to be productive? to engage in such rhetoric would tease and tickle the mind but to what end?

now for some really bhb words. candice and sally said i am a charmer but i've always seen myself as a bum and clumsy. sigh... what did i ever do to give them that idea. me, a ladies' man, but reality bites. i am such a human relations disaster. bad reputation everywhere. like what my details say, a lot of people hate my guts out.

anyways i have to go back to camp tonight. fyi, i've added more photos to my photo archive so go check it out. thank you for spending your valuable time reading.

bertram
"facta non verba" (deeds not words) --- unknown

2003-07-31T21:44:00.000+08:00

went out last week on the 26th. whoa boy what a night man. i and 4 other guys shared 4 jugs of drinks. (candice didn't drink because she is driving. so remember, be a responsible driver. this message is a reminder from the singapore traffic police) was a fun night and well i enjoyed myself. i guess they did too judging from the pictures heh.

that's candice on the left. she keeps saying she's fat which is absolute rubbish. and this is singwei on the right. he is the one i asked to go out with first and the rest he asked along.

from left to right is terence, me and sim. i learned a lot from terence, including the basics of the american sign language. sim i just got to know that night. he just enlisted. poor guy. doesn't know what he is in for haha.

we were at fat frog cafe which is located behind the 24hr coffee shop outside the national library. (man i should be paid for advertising this) it is a great place, and a plus is the live performances. feels great to drink in the cool of the night with good music. wonderful place, good atmosphere, worth at least one visit.

well people come and go, so sim and wenhan had to leave (he's not in the photos we took), and later terence so who's left but us three stooges/musketeers whichever way you wanna look at it haha. so where did we go? embargo. we got a table there easily cos candice has a friend call joyce who's working there but i'll touch on them both in a while.

that's us in embargo, but not very clear pic cos joyce's, who helped us take the photo, hand shook a little i suspect.

embargo now that is a wonderful chill out place. nice seats and they even have little pillows! hahaha! candice says the food is good there but i wasn't hungry when we went there so i can't really say.

now about joyce and candice. guess what i have this friend in camp called guo zhong and he knows them both. wow... what a small world. there is this other guy i know called peter and he frequents fat frog and knows some of the people who perform there too. =)

well that's all for this update. wanted to write this earlier but needed the photos from my friend first. till next time.

2003-07-26T12:29:00.000+08:00

my second post after a hiatus of... almost 6 months? man i really ignored this for a while. lost interest but with availibility of new templates why not revamp the whole site. so i did. spent the whole night customising a general template to what i wanted in my site. not fully tweaked yet but more or less there, apart from the embedded midi that gets irritating after a while cos it loops and it is so short.

lotsa stuff happened. remoded my ps 2, had many many free days out of camp, got an mp3 player.

this is the one i got, but it's white in colour instead. not that i like white but it was the only colour.

now all i want is sleep. so many things on my mind, so few distractions. wish gundam seed could download faster so that i can carry on watching. it's a great cartoon, more so if you are a mecha or anime fan. now back to looking at the download progress bar grow longer and longer...

2003-02-03T20:02:00.000+08:00

Today is the third day of the lunar new year. Whoo last two days were hectic... Now is the aftermath. *LOL*

Hello how are you? Welcome to my site. Some might call this a rant, rave site etc, but I like this as a form of expression of continuous thought. An open online journal if you desire a more precise description. Someone once told me that she was like an open book, and so thus I just got inspired to start a site like that. To share thoughts, dreams, ideals, depressions and all relative going ons in my mind with the world at large.

Why is it that troubles of the previous generations always plague the subsequent ones? Is it because of dramas that overuse this common central plot? Seems like life is one huge drama serial with the one showing on the tv set right now being an extension of the self sometimes. Weird thing to think about eh? Then again, in a world with even more strange things going on, maybe this isn't so weird after all. Was it Shakespeare that said "life is but a stage", and we are nothing but the petty players upon it, that act our parts then silently retreat back into the anonymous depths of the backstage.

Overly melodramatic? Or is it melancholic? =p
On to something more cheerful then.

Joy of joys i have 6 days of break from my current job whoo hoo!! Time to catch up with sleep, movies, anime, music and all that is deprived from me. Life is so fun when you can interact with people from all walks of life, but it just absolutly perks up when you can see people in person that you don't see for ages and ages and ages. It can happen on the street, on an escalator, anywhere. It's a small world after all... la la la~ *cough* Ahem sorry. Got carried away. I have been noticing on the streets when I take the occasional walk into the shopping central of my country. You meet people the most when you don't expect to. Isn't fate such a tease? Or should that be Clothos? Or was it Lachesis? *shrug*

To take a popular starting from Mr. Martin Luther King Jr., I have a dream, and that dream is... a SECRET! Haha. Tell you maybe sometime in the future. Until then, stay tuned to my blog at http://njwbert.blogspot.com/.

Yours faithfully,
Bertram
ICQ No: 8805389

"First thought, best thought." --- Jack Kerouac